Speaking To and About My Spouse

In this episode of Wifey Wednesdays, we look at how our words can either strengthen or damage our marriages. Scripture calls us to let the “law of kindness” govern our speech, challenging us to consider how we speak both to and about our husbands. Rather than gossiping, belittling, complaining, or exposing weaknesses, we are called to speak with grace, encouragement, and love—even when there are real frustrations or problems that need to be addressed.

Ultimately, our words reveal what is happening in our hearts. As we spend more time with Christ, He shapes us to speak with the same compassion, kindness, and grace that He demonstrated. This week, we’re challenged to intentionally think about what is good and worthy of praise in our spouses—and then use our words to build them up.

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Creators and Guests

Host

Emily Hatfield

Author, Podcaster, Ladies Speaker

What is Wifey Wednesdays?

Wifey Wednesdays: A show for women that focuses on the Titus 2 principle: learning to love our husband and our children, and being the keepers at home that God intends for us to be. Wifey Wednesdays, hosted by Emily Hatfield, is released every Wednesday.

Hello and welcome to Wifey Wednesdays, a podcast for women who are seeking to be the best wives they can be. I’m your host, Emily Hatfield, and this is the show where the plan is to do things God’s way, especially our marriages.

On today’s episode, we are going to be looking at the principle of how we use our words when speaking to and about our spouse.

This is tricky, right - because James flat out told us - but no human being can tame the tongue. Welllll great. What does that mean when it comes to speaking to and about my spouse? How am I supposed to get this right?

Proverbs 18:21 says, “death and life are in the power of the tongue” and I feel this is especially true within a marriage. A marriage will either thrive will life or die based on the words we use with each other and about each other.

So before we really dig into this topic, I just want to ask a few questions.

If people only knew my spouse based on my words about them, what would they think? If they only knew my spouse through the way I speak to them, what would they know?

There is a lot of room for heart examination within this episode, because Jesus said that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The words I use about my husband reflect the heart that I have. What does my heart truly feel? What does my heart say when my husband isn’t around?

Words can be a balm or a bomb — offering healing or hurting. Which ones typically mark my marriage? Which ones are usually found on my lips?

I want to be my husband’s biggest fan. Now, that’s usually not a really hard thing to do because he’s amazing. But he’s also a human. And he isn’t perfect. He definitely doesn’t have a perfect wife. But what if we go around airing dirty laundry? What if we go around exposing weaknesses? What if we go around belittling and degrading and acting in a way that is condescending? What will people think?

This is an especially important area of concern for preacher’s wives, I think. Or elder’s wives. Any wives in ministry. Because what people think of our husbands matters. If the people who listen to my husband preach don’t think he’s trustworthy or kind or honest or reliable or faithful — based on MY words — then I’m hurting their ability to hear the message of the gospel. Now, this does NOT mean that you cannot speak up if your husband is doing something that he ought not to do. I have known of too many preacher’s wives who have endured abuse because they didn’t want to hurt their husband’s reputation. Just no. No. He hurt his reputation when he started abusing. You do not have to endure that. But, you should also talk to trustworthy, mature people about it. No matter what kinds of things we are dealing with — whatever level they may be — we need to take those things to others in a responsible, God-honoring way. We, as Christians, aren’t trying to slander or tear down or injure another, even if they’re the guilty party. Instead, we must take our concerns and heartaches and hurts to someone who will pray for us and our marriage, who will handle this information with care, and who will guide us in a spiritually mature manner.

But let’s lessen the stress level here. I’m just talking about regular, day to day frustrations between husband and wife. Is that something to spread around? Is that something to joke about with other women? Should putting our husband’s down be the joke? What is it that the Proverbs 31 woman is known for? Ah yes — the law of kindness is on her tongue. Can that be said about me? Can my husband safely trust me because I am only going to be speaking in a way that is kind, even when he hasn’t been exactly perfect within our marriage? Let’s be women who are seeking to support our husbands with our words. Who are building them up and encouraging them, not just privately but publicly. Let’s make sure we aren’t tearing down or questioning or overriding or manipulating…let’s choose kindness. How do we want our husband’s to speak about us? Then how should I want to speak about him?

Again, Jesus tells us that out of the abundance of our hearts do our mouths speak. When we have a problem with the words we use with our spouse and about our spouse, the problem is really within our hearts. We’ve allowed something to set up shop in there that is causing a root of bitterness to grow. We shouldn’t simply be seeking to keep ourselves from saying mean things — we should seeking to allow kindness to govern our words. Because if I’m just avoiding letting the things slip out that I truly feel…again, I’ve still got that heart problem. I don’t want to just figure out how to control the words that come out, I want to change the very way I view my husband.

If I struggle with being condescending, maybe I need to work on thinking better things about my husband — because chances are I might be telling myself he’s a moron. If I struggle with cutting him down, chances are there is some unresolved hurt that needs to be addressed and eradicated. If I am struggling with just loose lips in general, then I need to make sure I am prioritizing loving my neighbor as myself….because I sure don’t like people gossiping about me, ESPECIALLY the people closest to me. If I knew that my husband was sharing things with others that were exceptionally private in nature, and vulnerable in nature, I would be devastated. Why am I not quick to think that when I’m sharing with my friends?

Let’s let the law of kindness govern our words. Let’s focus on changing our hearts so that the things that might hurt our husbands don’t come out, mostly because we’re not allowing them to stay put!

I have to pray regularly about certain things. There are unique challenges that we have within our marriage, as everyone does, and those are things that I have to stay on top of in prayer, because if I’m not doing that — Emily starts taking over, instead of allowing Jesus to rule my thoughts. When I am in control, bitterness and resentment and frustration start trickling out — or exploding out if the situation is just right. But that’s not what I’m called to. Romans 12 teaches me that I have put myself on the altar and am choosing to live for Christ, not self. Galatians 2:20 tells me that it is no longer I who live, but Christ — because I died when I went into the watery grave of baptism.

So how would Jesus speak about my spouse? How would Jesus speak TO my spouse?

When I look at the ways Jesus interacted with people in Scripture, I am amazed by His compassion and kindness and grace and patience. That’s how I want to talk to my spouse and talk about my spouse.

One particular instance with Jesus sticks out in my mind. It’s when John the Baptist is in prison, and he’s sent his disciples to Jesus to make sure that Jesus is who he says he is. This is a tough moment for John. It’s a low moment. But Jesus responds with gentleness and kindness….and then, Jesus goes on to talk ABOUT John in a way that builds him up and is so remarkably generous and kind about him.

Now, John isn’t there. And Jesus doesn’t take that moment to just tear him apart because of his doubts. Instead, Jesus speaks highly of him because He loves him.

No one on this earth should love your spouse more than you do. So can we take a page out of Jesus’ book and speak about our husband’s in ways that lift them up and elevate them and accentuate the amazing things about them? Can we not use the fact that they’re not around to make some kind of joke or biting remark?

Jesus told us - every idle word that we speak will be accompanying us to judgment. I don’t want harsh words to follow me there. I especially don’t want harsh words about my spouse to follow me there.

Philippians 4 admonishes Christians to think on things that are good, lovely, pure, etc. Can we make that a practice when it comes to our spouse? Can we think on the characteristics that they have that are lovely and wonderful and good and righteous? Then, the more we think on them, the more apt we might be to share them.

Maybe that should be some Wifey homework this week. Spend some time thinking about your spouse. Think about their good qualities. Think about the things you love most about them. Think about the things that are worthy of praise — and then praise them. Maybe publicly, maybe privately. But praise them one way or another. Let the law of kindness be on your tongue. Let your words lift your spouse up this week. And if that’s been a struggle in the past — if having a biting tongue and harsh words is something that is a challenge for you for whatever reason, now is a great time to repent of those things and seek to do marriage differently from here on out. After all, we’re all about doing marriage God’s way — and God’s way is through kindness and love and respect and honor and goodness. Not backbiting or gossip or anger or outrage or hateful tones or slanderous accusations to others.

Colossians 4:6 teaches us that a Christian’s speech ought to always be seasoned with grace. In other places in scripture, we’re told to speak the truth in love. We’re told to restrain our words instead of giving full vent to our feelings, we’re told to be kind to one another, and to only use words that are good for building up.

How can we start that this week? How can we change from complaining to seeking to be on the same page? How can we choose forgiveness instead of recounting past wrongs? How can we choose to replace ALWAYS and NEVER language with gracious truths that express our hurts? It might be difficult, seeing as no one is going to be able to tame the tongue perfectly. But just because I can’t tame it all the time, every time— that doesn’t mean I can’t ever have it under control.

Let’s not forget, we’re talking about our husbands here. We live in the 21st century. I’m pretty sure none of us were put into arranged marriages. We all chose our spouse. Why did you? Think about those things. Think about all of the ways they have blessed your life. Think about all of the ways God has given you beautiful blessings through them. What was it about them back then that drew you to them? What kinds of things attracted you to them? Think about those things. What ways have you changed? What ways have you hurt them? Can we use those things to help us appreciate their forgiveness and graciousness? Can we use those things to help us love them more?

Ultimately, the reason we speak to and about our spouse in a way that is kind and loving doesn’t have anything to do with our spouse at all. It doesn’t have to do with their characteristics or their treatment of us. Ultimately, we treat our spouses with the law of kindness because we belong to Jesus. And Jesus empowers me to treat all people in ways that are gentle and kind and compassionate — Jesus teaches me how to treat those who would make themselves my enemy! That means that, of course Jesus can help me be the wife I am supposed to be. Of course He can help me be a wife who speaks with compassion and kindness and grace — because my words ought to show everyone, my spouse included, that I belong to Jesus first and foremost. The way I speak ought to giveaway that I am His.

If you’re struggling with speaking to and about your spouse in a kind way, spend more time with Jesus. Let Him help shape your words by shaping your heart.

Well that’s gonna do it for today’s episode of Wifey Wednesdays. Thanks so much for being with me. I hope you’ll join me next time as we continue plowing through this final season that is focused solely on marriage and how we can honor God within these roles. Until next time, remember - love God, love your husband.