Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Boundaries should help us avoid extremes and live closer to the kind of love God intended for relationships.
After struggling with boundaries for years, Lysa TerKeurst wondered if they really worked or were even biblical.
For over 25 years Proverbs 31 Ministries' mission has been to intersect God's Word in the real, hard places we all struggle with. That's why we started this podcast. Every episode will feature a variety of teachings from president Lysa TerKeurst, staff members or friends of the ministry who can teach you something valuable from their vantage point. We hope that regardless of your age, background or stage of life, it's something you look forward to listening to each month!
Kaley Olson:
Hi, Meredith, and hey, podcast friends. I'm excited for you guys to get to hear from Lysa TerKeurst in a unique way today. We are going to let you be the first, and I mean the first, to hear the introduction from Lysa’s new book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.
Meredith Brock:
But before we listen, I want to pause and recognize how special this really is.
Kaley Olson:
Yeah.
Meredith Brock:
Lysa TerKeurst just spent days, and I mean days, in a sound booth recording this audiobook herself. While there's absolutely nothing wrong when an author chooses to have someone else read their book for their audiobook … because let's be honest, who wants to spend days in a sound booth …
Kaley Olson:
I mean, seriously.
Meredith Brock:
… when you could be at the beach or doing something, anything else. But because this is such a personal message and so important to Lysa, she wanted to read it herself and for you guys to hear it straight from her heart. So, friends, without further ado, we're excited to let you be the first to get a sneak peek into Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. Here's Lysa TerKeurst reading the introduction.
Lysa TerKeurst:
Introduction: We can't set good boundaries without love. Well, hello. There's so much I want to write in these first words to provide the right environment for this book. I wish I could hand you your favorite coffee, toss you a blanket, set a box of tissues on the table in front of us, put on just the right soundtrack and catch up on where we both are in life. I would so much rather talk through this message face-to-face, or at least write this to you in a letter in my own handwriting. There's a deeply human element that I don't want to get lost in these black and white pages and words typed and spoken in this audiobook. We're both picking up this book in the middle of real life, where we're navigating what works and what doesn't in the relationships we treasure. And because relationships are so very organic, they move like breath in and out of our lungs, expanding with deep connection one minute and in the next minute, atrophying in complete misunderstanding.
Relationships are wonderful and full of love and frustration and rot with angst and all the things we bring into every attempted embrace with another person. When those we love draw close to us, they draw close to our issues and we come face-to-face with their issues as well. And as we open up to each other, the deeper we connect, the more vulnerable we become. The more vulnerable we become, the more exposed the tender places inside of us become. This exposure is risky. When we dare to be so very known, we risk being so very hurt. When we dare to be so very hopeful, we risk being so very disappointed. When we dare to be so very giving, we risk being so very taken advantage of. And when we dare to unnaturally change into what someone else needs, we risk losing ourselves in the process.
To love and to be loved is to be enveloped in the safest feeling I've ever known. To cause hurt and to be hurt is to be crushed with the scariest feeling I've ever known. You and I both know this. In different ways, and with different people and to varying degrees, we know the multifaceted complications of love and heartbreak. We dream of the best, we dread the worst, and we keep trying to figure out how to do relationships right. We build our lives around those we love and those we love build their lives around us. We laugh and connect and disconnect, and fight and make up, and coast and drift, and come back and think about how lucky we are to be with someone until we send our counselor, the broken heart emoji with a text — need help now. This isn't going well. Or maybe we use other words and emojis we really can't talk about here in this little book.
It's not all magical, like the plots of the Hallmark Christmas movies. People in these movies seem to live with the blessing of predictability and things always epically working out right. There's never a need for ongoing boundaries because there are no ongoing hardships. Once the story turns for good, it stays good until the credits roll.
Last week, I sent a text to my friends after watching too many of these movies, it was my attempt at correcting these unrealistic plots. And it went like this: Opening scene, snow falling gently on townspeople, smiling, laughing, ice skating. Girl is serving customers in the midst of everyone else’s fun. She has an unreasonable mean boss. She looks out of sorts like she’s searching for something, something just beyond her grasp. Suddenly a man with a guitar, smug attitude and unusual fame appears. And he’s a secret prince from a far-off land. She spills water on him. He writes her a song. They fall in love. Closing scene, she becomes a princess. But unfortunately, we all know that's unrealistic.
Life doesn't tie up in a neat, nice bow. So really the script should go like this: Opening scene, same beginning scenario, but she spills water on the guy. He freaks out, doesn't leave a tip, tries to get her fired. And she goes home mumbling about what a jerk he was. Also, his castle is in foreclosure and soon he's working as a bus boy at the same restaurant. She's eventually promoted to manager. Becomes independently successful. And she sets boundaries with him because he's being irresponsible in the way he closes off the cash registers each night. Then she makes some discoveries that cause her to fire him because he's stealing from the cash drawer. Closing scene, she buys the castle and invites her friends over to process what went wrong with him and how in the world could he steal from her. But then after the closing scene, she questions herself over and over and still wishes things could have been different.
Obviously, Hallmark isn't clamoring for me to write for them anytime soon. But I am eager to process what I believe has been the missing piece in the storyline of my relationships for far too long — good boundaries. Now, this is where I want to look straight into your eyes and say something really important. This isn't a book about leaving people. It's a book about loving people in right and healthy ways. It's a book about communicating appropriate boundaries and parameters so that love can stay safe and sustainable. Boundaries aren't meant to shove love away, quite the opposite. We set boundaries so we know what to do when we very much want to love those around us really well without losing ourselves in the process. Good boundaries help us preserve the love within us even when some relationships become unsustainable and we must accept the reality of a goodbye. Throughout these pages, we'll seek to honestly examine what is and is not healthy in our hearts, but also in the relationships where we invest our hearts.
Sometimes it's difficult to know what's healthy and what's not. So it's important to seek godly counsel and in more complex situations like addictions and abuse, someone specifically trained on the issues at hand. And if this is you, make sure to listen to what we're going to get to at the end of the book, which is called “Getting the Help You Need.” After all, God's ultimate assignment is for us to love Him and love others. And this is exactly what Jesus taught and modeled. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another,” John 13:34. But we can't enable bad behavior in ourselves and others and call it love. We can't tolerate destructive patterns and call it love. And we can't pride ourselves on being loyal and long-suffering in our relationships when it's really perpetuating violations of what God says love is.
Please hear me clearly say, the purpose of this book isn't to quickly call out issues in others without looking honestly at ourselves as well. We need to examine our motivations and our mindsets. And this isn't a message that is encouraging people to divorce quickly, thoughtlessly or unadvisedly. Proverbs 15:22 reminds us that there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. This also isn't a message about encouraging people to abandon others, just because things get difficult or the other person is walking through a hard season. But we also don't need to swing the pendulum to the extreme where we stay in a destructive, toxic or abusive relationship, no matter what. Listen for later in the book, when we get to some important notes to consider on abuse.
Boundaries as you will soon see, should help us avoid extremes and live closer to the kind of love God intended for relationships. Love must be honest. Love must be safe. Love must seek each other's highest good. And love must honor God to experience the fullness and the freedom of the sweetest connection between two humans. In fact, when I turn to First Corinthians 13:4-7, I'm reminded of God's intention for the purest form of love. Here's how I journaled what I want to remember from these scriptures: Love is not dishonorable. Love does not justify wrongs to enable selfishness. Love does not celebrate evil. Love requires truth. Love leads to honor, kindness and compassion. So as we take this journey, let's remember the real purpose of good boundaries. Boundaries protect the right kind of love and help prevent dysfunction from destroying that love. Boundaries help us say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done and establish what is and isn't acceptable. Love should be what draws us together, not what tears us apart.
And remember, we can't set good boundaries without love. Setting boundaries from a place of anger and bitterness will only lead to control and manipulation. Setting boundaries as a punishment will only serve to imprison us, but setting boundaries from a place of love provides an opportunity for relationships to grow deeply because true connection thrives within the safety of health and honesty. I guess my greatest fear in writing this book after an unwanted divorce is that it might seem I'm eager to push others away, but that's not true. I'm more eager than ever before to deeply love the people in my life. And I know how destructive it can be to navigate relationship devastation because of a lack of boundaries. I know what it feels like to be paralyzed by another person's choices that break your heart over and over and not know what to do about it. I know the frustration of saying something has to change, but feeling stuck when the other person isn't cooperating with those needed changes.
So while some relationships become unsustainable to the point that it's necessary to move beyond a good boundary to a goodbye, you don't have to become someone you were never meant to be. When we're hurt good boundaries and goodbyes help us to not get stuck in a perpetual state of living hurt. This is a book written to help you discover that good boundaries can pave the road for the truest and purest version of love, to emerge within the relationships that make up so much of who we are and what we want the most. As we process good boundaries and learn more about goodbyes throughout this book, I've created a section at the end of each chapter called “Now Let's Live This.” It's a wrap up of what we're reading and learning and include some questions and scriptures to ponder as we go.
Remember this isn't just a message to read. It's one that we'll want to sit with, wrestle through and process in prayer. And I know you're going to be tempted to want to just speed on past the “Now Let's Live This,” because if I was doing this book I would want to do the same, but I want to encourage you don't do that. Because if we want real transformation, we'll have to take the crucial step of application. This won't be the easiest message to apply in your life, but it will likely be one of the most valuable steps you take toward emotional health and better relationships. And the best part of it all, you won't be alone. I'll be with you as we trust God to lead us through every word and every next step. And as a special bonus, just for you, you'll also hear from my Christian counselor, Jim Cress. He'll be weighing in with therapeutic insights all throughout this book. So I can't wait to do all of this with you.
Now let's live this. Here are some statements that I want you to remember and really cling to. We can't enable bad behavior and call it love. Love must honor God to experience the fullness and the freedom of the sweetest connection between two humans. Boundaries protect the right kind of love and help prevent dysfunction from destroying that love. Love should be what draws us together not what tears us apart. Setting boundaries from a place of love provides an opportunity for relationships to grow deeply because true connection thrives within the safety of health and honesty. When we're hurt, good boundaries and goodbyes help us to not get stuck in a perpetual state of living hurt.
Now here's some scriptures that I want you to soak in. So receive these. John 13:34, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” First Corinthians 13: 4- 7. “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Now here's some questions to think through. Reflect on these: Have you ever considered that establishing healthy parameters in your relationships is actually an act of love? As you start this book, how does this change your perspective? What may have motivated you in the past to set boundaries or say a goodbye? Take time to think this through and then write down your answers. When you are in a relationship where there's been chaos, confusion and hurt, reacting in extremes can add even more pain. Some people take on all the blame and minimize the actions of the other person. The opposite extreme is to place sole blame on the other person without checking your own heart.
Throughout this book, we want to avoid going to either of these extremes. So honest self-reflection is always a good practice. Asking yourself these questions is a wise step now and revisiting them before you set a boundary or say a goodbye could also be helpful. Have I set unrealistic expectations? Am I too easily offended? Have I considered my own shortcomings relative to this relationship? Have I sought wisdom from a godly advisor, mentor or counselor? Now here's our prayer. Lord, the greatest desire of my heart is to love and treasure others the way You treasure us. But honestly, sometimes these hard relationship dynamics make it incredibly difficult to discern what is truly loving. So as I turn these next pages, I ask that You guide me and help me to walk in Your ways not mine. Show me how to approach my closest relationships with both compassion and a healthy commitment to reality so I am in alignment with you. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Kaley Olson:
OK. Meredith, you know one of my favorite things about Lysa … the little sections she adds in her books that inspire immediate action. I'm talking about the “Now Let's Live This” section at the end of the chapter. She mentioned at the end of the introduction that she's going to have something for you to kind of take action on. And I know if you're like me, sometimes I go back to review a chapter that I've read and realize that I have highlighted more words than are left unhighlighted. And sometimes I'm like, what do I do with this? I don't know what to do with this. And that is so helpful. I'm so glad that she took that into the book.
Meredith Brock:
Me too. I think it's one of the most practical ways to really live out the message of the book and not just consume it. Well, if you listen to this and you're thinking I want to live this right now, I've got good news for you. While the book doesn't release until November 8th, you can start reading Good Boundaries and Goodbyes and start processing these sections, now let's live this from the first three chapters, when you pre-order the book. So don't wait for this message to release in November. Secure your copy today by visiting P31bookstore.com and get the first three chapters along with a few other really cool just freebies …
Kaley Olson:
Yeah.
Meredith Brock:
… when you pre-order. That will be gone, you won't be able to access them after the book is released.
Kaley Olson:
Absolutely. Also, if you're not already listening to the Therapy & Theology podcast, stop everything you're doing right now and go subscribe on whatever listening platform you are using. Lysa TerKeurst, her counselor, Jim Cress, and Dr. Joel Muddamalle who's the Director of Theological Research, and our podcast team have been working really hard on season two, releasing on October 20th, 2022. And guys … Meredith, we don't want them to miss this.
Meredith Brock:
Oh my goodness.
Kaley Olson:
I mean, they don't even know what's about to come their way. It's going to be great. It's different than I think anything we've done, but let's go ahead and give them the title. It's called “Let's Stop Avoiding This Conversation: Six Topics Women Have Big Questions About.” That's all I'm going to say.
Meredith Brock:
Oh man.
Kaley Olson:
I know. So go on head on over to Apple Podcast or wherever you listen and subscribe. So you don't miss the first episode. That's all we have time for today at Proverbs 31 Ministries. We know when you know the truth and live the truth. It changes everything. See you next time.