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We all carry invisible rules, the quiet assumptions that shape how we live, work, and measure success.In this episode, Barb shares a story from a recent leadership retreat that revealed three powerful but often unseen beliefs:• that speed equals excellence,• that output equals worth, and• that what worked before should still work now.These hidden rules can fuel stress and overdrive, even when everything looks “successful” on the surface.When we start to see them clearly, something shifts.We discover that true excellence lives in clarity, not velocity - in presence, not proving. Thank you for listening to the Innerverse of Business and Life Podcast. For more resources like this, visit Barb's website at Barbarapatterson.com (https://barbarapatterson.com/). SHOW NOTES:* [00:00] - Unveiling Invisible Rules* [05:26] - The Cost of Excellence* [07:53] - Exploring Assumptions* [12:03] - The Velocity Trap* [14:36] - Output Equals Worth* [19:59] - The Rule of InertiaSHOW LINKS:Subscribe to the podcast on YouTube Follow Barb on LinkedinFollow Barb on Instagram
We all carry invisible rules, the quiet assumptions that shape how we live, work, and measure success.
In this episode, Barb shares a story from a recent leadership retreat that revealed three powerful but often unseen beliefs:
• that speed equals excellence,
• that output equals worth, and
• that what worked before should still work now.
These hidden rules can fuel stress and overdrive, even when everything looks “successful” on the surface.
When we start to see them clearly, something shifts.
We discover that true excellence lives in clarity, not velocity - in presence, not proving.
Thank you for listening to the Innerverse of Business and Life Podcast. For more resources like this, visit Barb's website at Barbarapatterson.com.
This podcast is a space to explore the profound connection between our inner world and our work in the world. We dive deep into the heart of what it means to live and work from a felt knowing of our essential selves – aligned, alive, and fully expressed. We’ll play at the intersection of business, spirituality, consciousness, and growth.
Through intimate conversations with thought leaders, change-makers, authors, and humans just like you and me, you’ll hear real stories of transformation and the internal shifts, “aha” moments, and wake-up calls that have helped them to access new dimensions of creativity, higher levels of intelligence, unlock dormant potentials and experience greater joy and fulfillment.
Barb Patterson (00:56)
Hi everyone, welcome back to the Interverse of Business and Life. I'm Barb Patterson. You know those moments when something you do all the time, maybe a system you rely on or a core belief about how you get things done, suddenly snaps into focus in a way it's never done before and all of sudden you're seeing something else and you're seeing an underlying driver.
that's kind of running the show more than you might have realized.
It's almost as if you've pulled back the curtain and you see Oz, you're seeing what's really driving things. Well, that moment for me often comes when I bump up against what I like to call these invisible rules, those unspoken, unwritten operating systems that dictate unconsciously, they dictate how we work and how we lead and how we communicate.
even how we decide whether we can feel good about what we've done or not. They can cause a lot of friction and while they look great on the surface, they can be creating a lot of inner turmoil or pressure or even limitations.
A few weeks ago, I led a leadership retreat for a high performing team. They are known for excellence. They're super reliable. They're often celebrated by their partners and their clients and the community for how reliable and how trustworthy and how you go to them if you need a problem solved during the process of doing the intake calls before the retreat,
I noticed something. could hear in each of them this under the surface kind of pressure and intensity and stress and grind, this high idol that seemed to be running the show maybe more than they realized.
And one of the things I knew we were gonna look at together, that it would be beneficial if we explored together was, now, are they successful because of that grind, push, stress, pressure, or are they successful despite it? And I could see that over the years,
quicker and sooner and faster and all of that had become sort of an unconscious way and assumption in which they had decided business needed to be done. But also in all those intake calls and in the conversations we were having, I could hear in each of them the level of wear and tear it was having.
the grind had diminishing returns. And when it becomes a way of being versus a resource used at different times, what happens is that constant pressure and stress starts to take a toll on our mental well-being. It can take a toll on our health, but ultimately it takes a toll on our ability to be clear and to know and hear
the signal versus the noise. When we're in high idle, everything is urgent. And so what I could see was they had lost the ability to use their best discernment when projects would come forward. And in their desire to want to keep their reputation, they were saying yes when maybe not now, as they discovered later, was the better answer for everyone all around.
So again, I want to say their excellence wasn't in question, but the cost was in question. That's what I wanted to bring to the forefront and to see and bring light to the invisible rule, the unspoken assumption that faster more and right now equals excellence.
And of course, what struck me most is how common that assumption is in business and our own lives. Doesn't matter if you're running a company or leading a team or working for yourself. The fear underneath it is the same. That deep down concern feeling that if you're not constantly pushing, constantly speeding up, you must be failing somehow. That you're falling behind, you're behind the eight ball. These invisible rules run deep.
They shape how we show up, how we lead, how we communicate, and often without our awareness. So when I do this kind of work, whether with teams or one-on-one or looking at my own self, I always try to approach it with curiosity and really understand what's underneath it. At what point did a potential strength turn into a downside? At what point did
what was working before become this constant pressure to live up to some expectation all the time. So it's not about fixing ourselves or each other. It's about seeing what's ready to evolve, both in the team and the organization, the culture, or within ourselves.
Okay, so before I share what happened with the team, I want to explore what assumptions really are and how they quietly shape our days and our behavior. know, assumptions are the invisible rules that we live by, the stories we rarely question or second guess, we take them at face value, because like I said, at some point they probably worked.
They might sound like this, my worth comes from what I produce. Or if I slow down or shift the pace, people will be unhappy or things will fall apart. Or as I said, what worked before should be working now. Now they start with good intention to serve, to contribute, to make a difference. But over time, these hidden assumptions can start to wear down.
They can start to drive behavior in a direction that is no longer serving the culture or the team or you. They become a ceiling, a limitation, a place where our own growth and evolution gets stunted.
So before we got to the retreat, I met with the leader and shared with her what I had been seeing and some of the assumptions. And, you know, sure enough, what happened and what started to be highlighted in our conversation and in our work was those hidden assumptions were actually working against the very thing they were wanting to do. Of course, they didn't want to give up excellence. They didn't want to give up their great reputation. They wanted to deliver great results.
But at the same time, she could see that their culture over the last six to seven years in particular had started to shift into this unhealthy dynamic at which people were stretched too thin, where people were taking on more than they needed.
She had already been exploring for herself, can I slow down to the pace of life, to the pace of business and do as well? Can I slow down internally and be productive? And she had seen evidence. And so she really wanted to bring this into her leadership team and into her whole culture.
So over the retreat, I introduced this idea and we had this conversation, this dialogue, this unraveling around what are some of the assumptions, the hidden assumptions or the unspoken agreements that they have about how they work, how they get things done, what success means and what being excellent really means.
And as the group began reflecting on all of this, their pace, their pride, and their stress, we started to uncover some of the deeper stories beneath all of it. At one point, we flip charted all the assumptions, and there were many of them, that they held about those concepts of success and meeting client obligations and timing
and even what the leadership wanted, what the board wanted.
the ideas they had about what it meant to do a good job, what it meant to be a good leader. So all of that was up for grabs and it was a really open and energizing conversations. And once they started to see one assumption, it would open the door to a lot of other ones.
And what I loved also was one of the women that was in the group said, well, an event we just had took a lot of work and a lot of organizing and a lot of moving parts. And she said it went really, really well. And she's
And then she said, and I'm wondering, did it go well because of all the stress and pressure I held or would it have gone well anyway? And I just think it's a brilliant question.
I loved that question. I mean, it's kind of the actual stress test, isn't it?
It forces us to consider that maybe just maybe the stressful way we've achieved something isn't actually what made it successful. Stress wasn't the component or the necessary ingredient. Now it might be there, it can happen, but it's not the driver of success. It's not the driver of our performance. It's not the driver for sure of our best performance.
As we talked more, they also started to see that what they thought was the magic ingredient, the speed, the overdrive, yes to everything, wasn't the real reason for their reputation. Their clients valued and trusted them because of their reliability, because of their genuine care, because of the creative thinking they brought to the problems they were addressing.
Because of their ability to show up engaged, interested, and creative, clients were able to find these solutions that they hadn't been able to get anywhere else. Those things do not require burnout or stress to deliver on. Now that was huge. Just take a moment and take that in. Trust, reliability, creativity, problem solving, care do not require pressure, stress,
urgency saying yes to everything. Once they really realized this and took it in, they could see that they could keep the outcomes that mattered, obviously, and they could keep a commitment and love of pride, but let go of the punishing pace they were all under, let go of the idea that they had to work
you know, 14, 15 hour days, work weekends, that when someone asked for something, they had to give it to them in, you know, 30 minutes or less. Once that started to happen, it created an awareness inside of them and energy in the room started to shift. It softened, it opened them up. It's like you could almost feel a collective exhale.
So that piece really began a deeper exploration what I want to share today are three invisible rules that showed up for them that I think are common with all of us, whether we are doing our own thing in our business or whether we're leading a team or we're working with our clients. So I want to share those today and give you an opportunity to ask yourself, am I working under that assumption?
So the first one is what I call the velocity trap. The faster more now equals excellence. Now, I've shared a lot about this already, but the only thing I just want to add to it is if I'm always moving fast, always responsive, always accelerating, that proves we're a good bet and that I'm excellent.
You know, we start to link busy with a badge of honor. It feels like speed is the thing to appreciate. And we often then don't ask ourselves and slow down enough to say what's actually important. So what is the cost of that? What is the cost of velocity
we start to become less discerning in our lives and in our work and in our communication. When we're on high idle all the time, everything pretty much looks like it needs to be done now or yesterday. So when everything's urgent, nothing really is. You lose perspective, creativity narrows.
And then you go for the faster solution, not necessarily the best solution. So this idea of the hidden assumption of velocity equals excellence is something that I know I've seen for myself over and over again, that when I start to feel rushed or urgent or sped up or behind,
That now has become a red flag for me versus a source of good information. And more often than not, when I slow down and take a look and see the urgency for just an internally distorted climate, it allows me to take a breath, take a beat, drop in, let my mind clear a little bit and align with the most
appropriate response versus the one my brain thinks I need in that moment because it's on high idle.
I don't want to exchange deep thinking for quick reacting.
So the potential reframe here, our opportunity, is that it's not speed that makes us excellent. It's the quality of attention we're able to give.
the quality of attention that we're able to bring to what really matters.
So here's one maybe small but powerful practice or it has been for me is before you automatically say yes or respond, take a breath, ask yourself, is this truly urgent or is it just loud?
Take a pause, ask yourself that. Is it truly urgent or just loud?
Okay, the second invisible rule I want to talk about is my output equals my worth. My output equals my worth. Now, I was so appreciative with this leadership group that they were willing to really look at this one. And, you know, there was a lot of self-admittance to kind of their greatest pride being in their work or
that they love the feeling of being the one with the answers, so they're the go-to person, and I can relate to all of that. And yet, if underneath that is my worth is tied to that, then that becomes shaky ground. Speaking from someone who knows, that becomes shaky ground.
The core belief sounds something like, if I'm not constantly delivering and even delivering above expectations, I'm less valuable. So what starts as pride in being reliable turns into chronic saying yes all the time and over giving, overextending, thinking all of a sudden you have to reply quickly to everyone about everything.
And when you take a rest, it often comes with that rest guilt. You finish your task for the day, you still feel like you should check on things one more time or you don't ever quite put your phone down because someone might be emailing you and you don't want to miss it. You don't want to be the person that will miss it. You know, all of those are just innocent ways that
in business in particular, where we feel like more is needed and our identity gets tangled up with output. When our self-worth hijacks on productivity, every slowdown feels like a personal failure. Or when we feel it's time for us to back off of doing too much or being the one to always intercede. Like for instance, one of the leaders in the room talked about
a new employee was learning and was getting into a habit of coming to them for the answer. Well, everything they needed was inside the training that they had received and inside a manual. But in her desire to want to be a good leader and be supportive, she ended up realizing that they had set up this habit where when the new employee had a question, she asked and then the manager answered it. But it wasn't helping the employee integrate.
the job. It wasn't helping her integrate the knowing that she needed to do the job well. So it was just a simple, really simple example where her saying it's in the manual or why don't you go check the training was uncomfortable because she didn't want to appear not supportive. But at the same time, in a clearer internal state, she could see that was the right thing to do.
When our goal unconsciously becomes proving worth or maintaining a perception or a reputation or maintaining an image as the go-to person or the one you can go to for anything, when that gets collapsed on each other, it creates a lot of extra work for us. So being willing to take a look at when did I start
trying to serve an image? When did I start trying to live up to an idealized image or to my own worth or having a good reputation personally? When did that start to happen? And how can I let that go? You know, the shift really happens when we remember that our worth is inherent. Our value is amplified by clarity and presence and quality.
Our value at work is amplified by our humanness, our ability to be present, to connect, to listen. None of that has anything to do with being the go-to person all the time or showing up for extra hours so you look like a team player or stepping in to help someone because you don't want to make them suffer. Whatever those assumptions are, beginning to separate worth,
and productivity is a huge leverage for all of us to really look at and to explore for yourself, where have I collapsed this and where would it benefit me to see there's nothing to prove, there's nothing to earn here, and that the value I want to provide is presence and connection and clarity and creativity, not
being a certain kind of image.
Another way to think about it is it's about changing your fuel source. Ambition fueled by proving yourself burns you out.
ambition fueled by alignment sustains you.
Here's a simple practice that you can do, but often really helpful, before saying yes to something.
Ask yourself, is this a worth proving yes or a value creating yes? That one question can change everything. Am I trying to prove something or is there a value that's in alignment with me that I want to offer here?
And finally, the third rule that I want to speak to for a moment is another one that I think we can all relate to and appreciate
And that is what worked then must work now. This is the rule of inertia, the assumption that the same practices and effort levels that built our success are non-negotiable. Whatever got us here, we have to keep doing at all costs. So there are times in the life of a business or in your own work when
The season is output. The season is trying things a certain way. But every business, every team, every relationship, client relationship evolves. And every individual evolves. So the idea that what's worked before is non-negotiable, you have to leave it in all the time, really doesn't appreciate the fact.
that evolution is a natural part of everything and we want to move and evolve with it. We don't want to be slowing it down because we're trying to do what used to work and not listening for the wisdom that's here now, that's here today. So one of the examples from the retreat that they talked about was an actual system they had put in place around
saying yes to certain kinds of projects. They had like a, you know, a timeline for how long projects should take. But again, in the fast pace of everything they had going on and the high achievers and all of that, they hadn't realized that the original timeframe that they created even just a couple of years ago was
no longer possible because there had been so many changes. There had been regulation changes, there had been a longer sales cycle, there had been more documentation. One of the leaders said, yeah, know, it used to be our proposal, the paperwork they had to turn in was like,
I can't remember, maybe he said two pages. And now they are literally like 30 or 40 pages because of regulation and because of a lot of other things. just a really good example of a timing and assumption and idea of, yeah, this is our timeline. This is what we commit to and holding yourself to it when really all the variables around it had changed. And so when they were able to see that, they were able to see, yeah, like a
something that used to take us three months is likely taking us three times that amount of time now.
You know, and you can see that as the world changes, the market changes, even as we change, we often cling to old ways because they're familiar, they worked and we know how to do it and we don't want to be in the unknown and that can feel riskier. But yet the cost of this one is it keeps us loyal to something old rather than loyal to evolution. It keeps us loyal to a system or a process.
versus loyalty, what's fresh, what's appropriate in the here and now, what do we need to factor in that we don't want to miss so that we can evolve and grow as an individual and as a business.
So another way to think about this is principles endure, but the practice evolves. So their desire for quality and excellence and good relationships and trust, those stay the same, but how they go about it absolutely changes.
You know, I often see this in founders or even solopreneurs that they don't realize that what worked before, the solution that came to mind was never meant to be a long-term solution. It was a bridge. It was a bridge to something they needed. It was a way to get in the door. was a way to build the practice. It was a way to build your confidence.
but it was never meant to be the way always. So take a look, is there something, an idea, a practice, a formula, a way of doing business, a way of being with even your family members that made sense in the past but is no longer a fit, it no longer aligns with the season you're in or the stage you're in or...
where your heart's desires want to take you.
I want to encourage you, can you see some of those hidden assumptions, invisible rules that might be driving you, that might be limiting you, that might be holding you in a kind of container that no longer fits and you might be missing fresh opportunity
Seeing through these hidden assumptions, those invisible rules, is a doorway to a more aligned, sustainable way of working and living. It opens a possibility for success that might be fresh and new, and it's grounded in our humanness and being real. It highlights and amplifies the values that matter to us.
Make doing business, make our relationships successful.
Slowing down doesn't mean caring less. It often means leading wiser
And for many of us, it means choosing focus over frenzy.
When we trust that we can slow down, that where the real value is, is in creativity and spaciousness and connection and listening for the wisdom in the moment. We feel this internally, our inner climate, our nervous system is more spacious, more grounded, clear, open. That's where sustainable excellence lives.
You know, the hidden rules that drive us to go faster, to do more, to prove our worth are often the same ones that separate us from our own wisdom, from the deeper intelligence that lives within all of us and for the kind of connection and value and worth that we long for, not the proving.
You know, the question isn't whether we care about excellence. I think, you know, we all do. The question is what kind of inner climate do we want to create? What kind of cultural climate do we want to create? What kind of climate do we want in our homes and in our relationships? And is that climate fostering the kind of environment we want that feels aligned, that feels open?
and that feels sustainable.
So just want to ask you, if you paused right now and took a breath and looked honestly at the assumptions running your show, which of your invisible rules might you be ready to let go? What could be ready for an update inside of you?
As always, I'm so grateful to have you here. Thank you so much for listening. I would love to hear any insights, anything you're seeing for yourself around this. Please share it with me. If you know anyone that would benefit from this conversation, please share it as well. Thank you.