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Encouraging and uplifting conversations to help strengthen your family relationships.
Let's talk about pride for a moment. The bible says that pride comes before the fall. So instead of letting our marriages fall apart, let's put down the hammer of pride and build with the brick of humility instead. You're listening to the relationship lift, a short conversation brought to you by Family Life New Zealand to help you grow together as a couple. Join us for a topical discussion designed to keep you encouraged and equipped on the growth journey.
Wynand:We know that great marriages don't just happen, So let's journey together as we pursue oneness so that you too can make a great marriage your reality. Today's conversation is part of the bricks and hammers series, where we talk about building our relationships with the bricks that will lead to a strong and lasting relationship, and putting down those hammers that cause destruction. Enjoy the
Andrew:discussion. Building strong marriages one brick at a time, a wonderful campaign, that they're doing at the moment. And today in particular talking about the hammer of pride, Veynard Jacobs from Family Life joins us. Vannard, kia ora. Good morning.
Wynand:Kia ora. Good morning, Andrew. I hope you've been having a smashing morning, because we're just about to talk about hammers and bricks.
Andrew:Hammers and bricks. And, look, I I am a little bit nervous as we jump into the topic of pride, honestly, because pride is a word which has been hijacked in a range of different ways. Can I just say that pride doesn't mean the same thing in our culture now that it used to even a short number of years ago? Okay? It is pride month, at the moment, and it is it is a word which is used by, the rainbow community to mean a certain thing.
Andrew:But I think also generally, some people go pride. Well, that's something that you should have. You know? There's there's pride, you know, there's pride is have is having positive self esteem. But, of course, if we look in the bible, pride is a destructive thing.
Andrew:Pride is something that knocks things down. Pride comes before the fall. It's a sin, honestly.
Wynand:There's often, you know, those those days when you have a message, you have an idea to communicate, and you go and find a Bible verse to substantiate what you're trying to say. Right? This is not one of those days. And if you if you look for verses on the topic of pride, they are so full and abounding, it's actually not not difficult. So so how about we just quickly read a few of the things that Okay.
Wynand:The Bible has to say.
Andrew:So what is pride. Yep.
Wynand:About pride. Okay. So it's not this is not defining pride, and there's there's a small aspect of what you just described, you know, that that healthy self esteem that, I'd probably refer to it better as identity, you know, being secured in who you are as in in terms of your identity. And, obviously, our identity comes from our father, which we all know we've been born sons of the living god, sons of Adam. Right?
Wynand:And Adam was referred to as the son of god. Mhmm. So that's that aspect of identity is 1. But let's hear what Proverbs is actually quite full of, verses on pride. So in in Proverbs 16 verse 18, it says, pride goes before destruction
Andrew:Yeah.
Wynand:And a haughty spirit before the fall. Mhmm. Okay? 16 verse 5 says, everyone who is arrogant in his heart is an abomination to the Lord. Mhmm.
Wynand:Be assured he will not go unpunished. Okay. That's that's quite out there, an abomination. Yep. In Proverbs 11, it says, when pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble wisdom.
Wynand:Okay. So we're taking a bit of a turn there. There's there's a bit of an opposite there. With the humble comes wisdom. Yep.
Wynand:Proverbs 29, one's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. It's funny how the kingdom of god actually works the opposite than the kingdom of man.
Andrew:Yeah. Yeah.
Wynand:We have our own destructive ways, but god's ways are actually much better and and and produce life. So if if you think about pride and and the concept, and, yeah, sure, there's there's this whole thing about pride month, which is not a topic we'll get into today. Yeah. But just the concept of fostering, you know, pride in your heart and the brick of pride and the destruction that it actually brings in a marriage relationship. When I think about myself and I think about my own opinion, well, I'm easily offended.
Wynand:Being easily offended in marriage is actually not gonna make your relationship last, you know? That that's a hammer. Would not bring that posture into my relationship?
Andrew:Yeah. Well, I'm
Wynand:gonna break down what I'm trying to build, which is a marriage, where we are thriving, where our family and our kids are maybe thriving. So we don't wanna go down that route, right, of pride. I don't know. I can probably go on about how destructive pride is, but maybe we turn a bit of a corner.
Andrew:One of the things that you said, I think is very interesting in Proverbs in particular, if you associate pride in the same group of words as arrogance, if you, if you see pride from that point of view, that it's not just having good self esteem, it's arrogantly seeing yourself as better, as being more important, as being the preeminent one, that your needs are more important than the needs of your spouse, for example, that's gonna smash down a lot of marriages.
Wynand:Yeah. Yeah. And and the other word that I put next to pride, is actually the one word contempt.
Andrew:Okay.
Wynand:Right now, contempt is thinking you're better than Yeah. Just like you describe it now. And, you may have heard of the the Love Lab, doctor Don doctor John Gottman Mhmm. Where he studies married couples, and he can predict with 90 something percent, accuracy those marriages that will separate, you know, break end up in divorce, in a few years, like 6 or 6 to 10 years later on. And the 4 he identifies the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse.
Andrew:Wow.
Wynand:You know, reference to reference to revelation, but he also says in marriage, the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, one is blame, you know, when we're blaming each other Mhmm. Criticism Yep. Stonewalling, and then the 4th one, contempt.
Andrew:Wow. So no pestilence in the in the in these 4 horsemen, but, but all very destructive tendencies. And and probably all of us could say, there's the root of all 4 of those in my marriage and if I'm not careful. Yeah?
Wynand:Yeah. Exactly. And and the thing is if if these 4 were present, they could predict with 90 something percent accuracy the destruction of those marriages Gotcha. That that they won't they won't lost. So contempt and pride.
Wynand:Well, how do we how do we shift a take a corner? How do we build healthy marriages instead of destroying our relationships with the brick of pride and contempt? Yep. Well, let's again go back to what the Bible says in James 4 verse 6. It says, but he gives more grace.
Wynand:Therefore, it says, God opposes the proud, there that pride thing is again. Yeah. But he gives grace to the humble.
Andrew:Humble. Yeah. Okay. Yep.
Wynand:Okay. So humility. Philippians 2, and we read this one before as well. It says, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but rather in humility, then that word again, value others above yourself. So pride does pride do?
Wynand:What does contempt do? It's thinking I'm better than others. Mhmm. And look, I need to eat my own, dog food year to day because I've been in that trap very often. Yeah.
Wynand:But the antidote is humility, thinking about other people as higher and better than yourself. Yeah. And this is where the wisdom that God imparts into us as a Christian is so valuable in terms of building those relationships that last. You know, it's bad enough to try and live my life with a proud mindset. But if I'm trying to build a marriage, that's just doomed.
Wynand:You're just set up for failure.
Andrew:Yeah. It is it's countercultural, but it makes sense, really. I suppose our culture says we need to be the best that we can. We need to strive for excellence. We need to take control.
Andrew:All of those sorts of things are seen as values. But humility and putting other people first, that's the biblical pattern. Right?
Wynand:Yeah. And and and there's there's one more. And I was just like like I say, sometimes you look for a verse to substantiate what you're trying to say. Yeah. Sometimes you can just read the Bible and let it say what you need to say.
Andrew:Yeah. Exactly.
Wynand:So Proverbs 1812 says, before destruction, a man's heart is haughty. Mhmm. But humility comes before honor. Wow. Now if you wanna be honored, what is this thing about pride?
Wynand:It's like, you need to see me. I am good enough. I am better than you. Yeah. But doesn't that come from a place of brokenness anyway?
Wynand:Mhmm. Yeah. Whereas, if I'm humble, well, humility comes before honor. So if you wanna ex if you wanna experience honor and grace in your marriage, try a little bit of humility instead.
Andrew:That is true.
Wynand:And let your spouse build you up because you're being humble. Don't make yourself so haughty that they need to break you down.
Andrew:They they So Yeah. The the wholeness of, and, and honoring that comes through humility. So we got the hammer of pride, and we've got the brick of humility.
Wynand:That's the one.
Andrew:And, hey, some some wonderful advice here. I'm not sure I should say this out loud, but it's it's an interesting prayer to pray. If you're struggling with pride, you could ask God to to help you be humble. Be be careful what you pray for, but, but, yes, spectacular results may follow. Right?
Andrew:Right.
Wynand:Pray for
Andrew:your humility, yeah, may may take you down a peg or 2.
Wynand:Yeah. So today, build into a marriage that would last using the brick of humility Yeah. Instead of the hammer of pride and contempt.
Andrew:Very good stuff indeed. Now, these these props, the hammers aren't for sale because we're we're all about the bricks. But to the the bricks is a symbol of your regular financial support for the amazing ministry of family life, which is building strong marriages while helping you to build a strong marriage, through their resources that are available at the familylife.nz. You can find out more about the bricks and how you can support the work. Vaynerd, thanks for what you do.
Andrew:Thanks for joining us.
Wynand:Thanks, Andrew. Thanks for listening. I'm Vaynerd Jacobs from the Family Life New Zealand team, and this has been another oneness resource to help you grow together in your marriage. Check us out online at familylife.nz for more information on events, training, and other amazing resources. Let's fight the drift, move towards each other in oneness, and impact our corner of the world together.
Wynand:See you next time.