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Most of the powerful, unguarded conversations we have as practitioners happen behind the scenes. This podcast was created to bring those conversations forward. It’s a space for real talk about client work, presence, creating powerful containers for waking others up, embodied change, and the ways we continue to grow and meet our edges as we guide others.
Barbara Patterson (00:00)
Hi everybody, welcome back. This is Barb.
Aila Coats (00:05)
And I'm Ila.
Barbara Patterson (00:06)
And we are so glad you're here. So today we're going to talk about those moments when we're like, well, that didn't go the way I'd hoped. And while I can be a little tongue in cheek in this moment, the truth is often those come with a, a feeling of real disappointment for me or just sort of wah, wah, you know, in my energy. So we want to talk about those times and especially around when you're trying to
enroll something or fill a group or offer a new program, whatever that might be. We've had some experience with trying things and crickets, crickets, or maybe one cricket. One cricket, not a bunch of crickets. So, Ila, I'm going to turn it over to you.
Aila Coats (00:55)
Yeah. Well, this is, I love this topic. I feel like it's, yeah, I think it's this illusion that, that everything we want to do as coaches ends up being exactly how we think it should go and come together exactly how we imagined it in our brilliant, ⁓
visualizations and it just doesn't always turn out like that and I think it's really cool to appreciate that it doesn't have to be a problem but it feels like one at the time for sure or it can and I have many examples of things that I thought were going to go and they didn't go and workshops, webinars, groups, ⁓ working with a private client and it just didn't go how I thought it was going to go.
⁓ and when, just one example, I mean, and we want to talk about this a lot transparently because it is, it's so true that this isn't, ⁓ like this is true for all of us. Like it's all of us that are doing this work. We have things that don't go how we thought they were going to go. And I think a lot of coaches and practitioners.
really imagine that they're doing something wrong when that happens for them. And in reality, it feels like it's part of the path. And it's just part of, part of, and really it's an opportunity to keep awakening and like getting into the mystery behind life and remembering who we really are. ⁓ So yes, I have lots of stories. I'll pull up one story a few years ago when I was going to start my school in 2019.
No, it was a little bit before that, 2018, 2019, somewhere in there. I had just laid out a whole six month program. It was beautiful. I thought it was a genius curriculum. Anybody would be lucky to be there. And I didn't, I didn't really understand the scope of what enrolling would look like. And I thought I did. I had done a few things before that.
But essentially, I went through my life sharing about it being very enthusiastic about it. But when it came time to launch, I had two people and I wanted 20 plus. And frankly, I couldn't afford to run it. I actually couldn't afford to then show up with two people having paid. And just in that moment, it's like those moments of the timeline, the dates getting closer and closer and closer.
That experience I know is so overwhelming. It can be, you know, I coach a lot of coaches that really go through that and there's so much pain involved. And for me, I think being agile in those moments is so helpful. And with that particular group, ended up, this was actually, it was before my school. Sorry, I don't, I'm remembering the dates wrong, but it was, ⁓ I've had so many babies recently, the sleeplessness, I get confused, but, ⁓
I think it was around 2016, 17, where I had those two people signed up and I just thought, like, what if I could turn this into something great? And the money that I was counting on from the group, what if I could create that in another way? And I think those questions...
really save me at times. And really they come to mind of like, can I create with this thing? With this, it looks like a mess, didn't go how I wanted it to go, but what can I create with it?
With those two people that I served, I ended up having a small group with them, totally different than the school or the group I was going to run. And I ended up working with them for years, one-on-one and then occasionally together. And it was one of my favorite, it was like such a beautiful thing that how I look back now, it's like it had to go that way. Like it had to, it was so perfect. The two of them, they didn't know each other at all before.
like created a deep friendship that still goes on today. They collaborate on things. Like it was not about, I thought it was about me. It wasn't about me. It was about this other thing that was unfolding. And I did find a way to create the money in another way and learn more about enrollment and what that all takes. But it was cool to be.
Barbara Patterson (05:20)
That's great.
Aila Coats (05:38)
I mean, and I still go through this in different ways of like, how flexible can I be when something looks like it's going sideways? So I'll share that.
Barbara Patterson (05:46)
I can relate, obviously. And I think just, you know, where you anchored it is really helpful. know, sometimes it's easier for us to sort of see something in someone else and then we're like, ⁓ me too. And I was working with these two women that were business partners and they were stepping into the whole online world.
And they had offered a program the first time, and it was this online, and they got a really good response. And so it was very exciting. They put so much, like you, love, heart into it, all their best stuff, you know? And when they did it again, it did significantly different. And you know, understandably, it was
really disheartening and they were they were upset and but in working with them I could see because it wasn't about me right I could see like yeah this is the life of an entrepreneur like I think that so many of us who are consultants practitioners coaches healers you know we we get in this for the love of what we do and the and the sincere heart's desire to
Aila Coats (06:49)
It's almost easier.
Barbara Patterson (07:07)
want to make a difference for people. And we want to make money and have a successful business. that almost came second. Like that's sort of ⁓ something we have to do to be able to do the work we love and work for ourselves, right? But you realize it's like, yeah, if you pay attention or you hear any stories, every entrepreneur, every ⁓ founder, every person that's like had some ⁓
tenure, length in their career will tell you that ebbs and flow in numbers, ebbs and flow in cash, ebbs and flows in ideas. And so part of what we are learning is how do we stay resilient in that place. And so for them, it was a real moment of, ⁓ yeah, this is just part of it. And because of what we know via the understanding, we're like, OK, I can
find my way. I don't love it. I want it to be easy like we all want it to be easy. ⁓ But that piece is it's not personal. It's go, you know, take a wider look and you'll see it's happening to everyone all the time. But that or did you want to say something Mila? Go for it. Go for it. Yeah.
Aila Coats (08:23)
I agree, just real quick, I don't want to interrupt you. ⁓
you just said this comment and just, feel like it's worthwhile to slow down on you said, because of what we know, because of the understanding, what understanding for our listeners? Let's take a sidebar on that.
Barbara Patterson (08:33)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What understanding. What are you talking about?
Yeah, yeah, good point,
good point. Well, what I meant by that was...
That we're OK no matter what. That our value and worth is inherent. That we really do have what it takes to get over things. Sincerely, of it is just getting over it and moving on. I didn't have to do a full ⁓ analysis or deep dive into worthiness. I had to learn how to get over disappointment.
And partially that was because I was taking it way too personal, right? But that ability to say next, you know, is no small thing, right? And I think there was an illusion and can be still in me that if I get the formula right, that it'll be easy. So if I get my messaging right, people will just sign up. If I get my... ⁓
Aila Coats (09:28)
No, that's good.
Barbara Patterson (09:46)
email right, if I get the name right, if I really deeply listen. Now this is the one for any people that like believe in this sort of deeper intelligence, kind of having more say and wanting to listen to it. That also can be a mental trap for me because then I'm like, well did I listen good enough? Was it really the deeper intelligence or was it me? You know, like all of a sudden I create all these ideas about
why it didn't happen rather than just getting over it and moving on. And then in the action, ⁓ you know, things start to get momentum. And I'll just say another thing. When I did one of my first summits years ago, I just had a vision of over a hundred people plus being there. And these speakers were coming from all over the world. And, you know, I wanted it to be this just amazing experience for everyone. And
It wasn't happening and people might have heard me share this before, but I woke up one day and I couldn't move my neck and ⁓ my lower back was killing me. And it was sort of in that as I went to go get help with it, I realized, I am taking this so seriously. Like I have gotten really serious about these numbers. And I realized that I had this idea that
because the speakers were all coming from all over the world, they would be really disappointed if it wasn't a bunch of people, over 100 people. And once I saw that, was like, something in me just lightened up. And then I realized, wow, I have, at that time, maybe 60, I think we ended up like around 75-ish or something, I don't really remember. But at that time, I had somewhere around 50, 60 people. I'm like,
How about a little gratitude? But it didn't come from, I should be grateful as a technique to attract more people. It was sincerely in that moment of like, ⁓ wow, like these amazing humans have signed up and are going to be joining us in this room. And it just shifted everything for me. So that piece of can we get over that it doesn't look the way we want? Can we get over that? ⁓
Aila Coats (11:45)
you
Barbara Patterson (12:12)
even the process of it doesn't look the way we wish it would look has been, you know, really key for me.
Aila Coats (12:16)
Yeah.
I love that. One thing that just popped to mind as you were talking was just this revelation I had early on that kind of around one of my first big disappointing moments of thinking I was going to work with this particular client, having multiple long, slow conversations. I shared the fee. They were on board with the fee. And then just it didn't happen. And in my
for whatever reason, you know, I don't, I, don't know the mystery of it all, but it didn't happen. I did everything right and it didn't happen. And I remember really thinking, wow, this is the moment that, that stopped me from continuing on for years.
I think I've shared on here that I had a, I started coaching. first client was 2005 and it was such a ⁓ flop and it did not go how I wanted it to go. And I decided, yeah, I can't do this. Like if it doesn't go how I want it to go, I'm a failure and, or I'm not good enough, or I don't know how to do it right. Or it won't be right enough at the time or.
whatever the stories were, but I remember having this moment, this was like 10 years after that, or eight years, something like that, after that, of realizing, wow, like this, the disappointment ⁓ moment, and then the stories, those stories are the things that stopped me for years from continuing on the path. And...
And then the insight I had was like, my God, I get to fail all the time and I don't have to quit. Whoa. Okay. Like it was a real relief. was like in failing, I'm doing air quotes because it's just, it's, that's totally made up to that idea. But basically I get to have it not go how I think it should go. And
Barbara Patterson (14:06)
That's amazing.
Aila Coats (14:22)
and not make it mean anything about whether or not I should keep coaching or doing this work if I want to. And so then that became my little check-in point of like, okay, that didn't go how I want. Well, do I want to keep doing this work? Yep. Okay. How quickly can I get over this? Or is there anything to learn that would be helpful going forward? ⁓
like just a little more neutral feedback or a way of operating that's like, like, is there actually something to see that, will serve me going forward? And most of the time it's like, no, just go, like, let's keep going. Just keep, I'll learn on the job. I'll and, and to be that, agile in a way that's like, don't.
Barbara Patterson (15:07)
Yeah.
Aila Coats (15:17)
know and to appreciate now this is helpful for me I really don't know how something's gonna go but I know I'll get to the point where I'll look at it and consider well what can I create with this?
Or if this thing isn't going to create what I need financially, can I do some other stuff? Like other ways of serving people, other ⁓ programs or groups or workshops or one-on-one or who am I overlooking right now that might be ready to start that I'm focused on this thing. I'm not seeing them. Just that like fluidity in a way where not every idea is so precious that it, it's like a baby that I must birth into the world or else.
but treating everything a little more lightly even though I get super excited about programs at times for sure.
Barbara Patterson (16:06)
Yeah, and I think that, you know, we just do it. seems to be like just part of the natural creative process. Like we get excited about a group or a program or a client. And then the mind starts to imagine what it would be like, you know, so we see the people in the room or the webinar full or the client. And then we, you know, it starts to think about like how this is going to be amazing.
So when it doesn't happen, yes, of course there's a level of disappointment. But it's also what's been helpful to me is kind of what you said. Like I, too, have lost months and years and laid something down because I was so disappointed. Or it just looked to me like failure or too hard or whatever. And then it comes back and you realize it's like,
Yeah, so often the answer is way more simple. It's just keep going. You know, my sister, when ⁓ I was doing that same conference, she and I had been talking, and the next day she sent me this video of the, I'm gonna go blank, but the author of Good to Great, which is an old leadership book. And he talks about flywheels in business. And really, a flywheel, I...
I am so sorry, I'm going to give you an analogy that I really can't define what a flywheel is, but just bear with me. It's a thing that goes in a circle. And, you know, when you're first working with it, you have to like, you have to crank it. And you've got to crank it enough until it gets enough momentum and then it starts to just go on its own. And she was talking to me about that that's just the stage I'm in. I had this vision at the time to do these global summits and, you know, have that build this thing.
And this was like stage one, you know, but in my mind it was everything, right? And that's true, like we're wanting to create more and hold groups. Well, we're going to learn along the way to your point. So often, whether anyone signs up does not mean it hasn't been a valuable process. But if we're looking at it like, well, the measure of it is the numbers.
Aila Coats (17:57)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (18:22)
then we're going to get caught in a loop of, ⁓ how do I fix this? Something needs fixing because the number wasn't there. Does it, or do you just need to keep going?
Aila Coats (18:32)
Totally, I love that. I don't know if I have anything else to say.
Barbara Patterson (18:40)
Yeah, yeah. Well, I
think the only other thing I want to say is that...
I know that there was a few years ago that I was really into creating this program and it was in a different arena for me or a different kind of focus. it was as if I, you know, I started to do it and I was kind of resistant and then I just kept hearing go for it and ⁓ I was hesitating. Like just not, I had it all in my mind but I was really that
point of inviting people. was hesitating and kind of hitting the final button for the go button. And ⁓ I realized that, ⁓ and then of course I start getting these emails from other people in the community or colleagues doing something very similar. So I was really ready to let that be like, nevermind, I missed my window. I blew it, you know? And then it was like, I was like, really?
Like, you know, like I knew enough of that thought to be like, come on, come on, are you really meant to not do it because other people are doing something somewhat similar, you know? And then I could still feel, at the end of the day, could still feel this desire to do it. And I was out walking and I realized like in just a moment of honesty, it's like, I'm afraid I won't get picked. Like that's, that's just a...
Aila Coats (19:59)
Great. Yeah.
Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (20:18)
conditioned fear underneath it all. And telling myself, it's just thought it wasn't working. That wasn't doing the trick. But to really just sit with and be with that moment of honesty and not trying to convince myself I'm worthy, I'm pickable, I'm pickable. You know what I mean? It was just like, ⁓ And then as I just let it be there, right? Just kind of.
allowed that truth to be there. As I was walking more, I had the thought, have you picked you? I know. And then it was like, what would picking you look like? And I could see it was like, it would be me backing myself no matter what. And I could see that I really, you know, I wasn't, me hesitating and stopping.
Aila Coats (20:56)
Aw.
Yeah. Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (21:17)
It was like this, you know, I don't know how to describe it without it sounding way more whatever, but it was like I could feel the energy of, yeah, I'm going to back me. I'm going to do this for no other reason, for no other reason than to experience creating something where I'm behind it no matter what, where I'm choosing yes for my heart's desire. I'm choosing yes for what wants to be expressed through me. And you know, and
Aila Coats (21:37)
Hmm.
Barbara Patterson (21:46)
That was so powerful. And so, yeah, I just want to say to people, like, those nudges, those creative ideas that we're trying to create money, play with our business models, see what we can do, like, play and see, but the only benefit isn't the number. There's so much that's happening in our own evolution in that.
See if you can hold it a little lighter and get over yourself a little more. know, I think is anything else to add in closing, Ayla?
Aila Coats (22:19)
Yeah,
well, I don't know if it will lead to a closing, a quick closing. Oh, thanks. I feel backed. Well, I love what you said about being in that reflection on your walk and just kind of being with the feeling. And I was just appreciating, I said this in the beginning, that I feel like these moments of like, well, that didn't go how I want.
Barbara Patterson (22:22)
⁓ that's fine. I'm with you. I'm with you.
I pick you, Ayla.
Aila Coats (22:49)
can be the, some of the most transformational and like in that way, you just described it of like, instead of just blaming the world or the economy or it didn't work because of this or other people are better, whatever the, but just dropping in to the feeling. And I was remembering when you were sharing, I'm like, Oh yeah, my God, I think I've grown so much in my, um, awareness.
of who I really am and like what's on offer inside of me. And ⁓ through these moments, these kinds of moments, I was thinking about this one in particular where I was letting myself feel, this was a few years ago, letting myself feel truly disappointed about a client not starting with me. This was a different client. So lots of stories around that. ⁓
It was like in my mind it would have solved things. It would have made things easier in my world. I wouldn't have needed to create more clients in that moment. I'm sure I was pregnant with one of the children and I was like, how do I make this easy?
And I had this experience of going into the feeling of like, what is behind this disappointment? Like what it is so deep and visceral and just destroying my day and my week and I'm in it and I was low and I just, this thing bubbled up as I was tuning into it. And it was like, I just want it to be easier.
was like, what? Want what to be? Everything! I want everything to be easier. I am tired of hard things. And it was like this very sweet, childlike, true, and then just kind of being in that, and I was crying, and I was just feeling it all. And then what came forward was like, I'm with a hard feeling right now. Literally.
in that moment and the thought that came up was like there aren't hard things there are only hard feelings and I know how to be with them I'm doing it right now it was it was almost like this like euphoric like my god I'm free like this like my god there aren't hard things there are only hard feelings ever
I mean that that feels like truth to me and I do know how to be with the hard feeling that that makes it an experience of intimacy and connection and closeness and love and compassion and beauty and I'm I'm up for that. All right, what else hard let's go do it.
Barbara Patterson (25:44)
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. That's a
No, that's such a beautiful story. Like I can feel it when you describe it. And I think that's true. It's like, you know, the imaginations of the mind and the constriction, you know, make things appear even harder than they are. But when you do what you did, like just get like, what's here? What is this? Often in that level of just being with it, ⁓ the deeper knowing.
kind of comes forward and helps us out. You don't have to overcome it. don't have to, you know, I didn't have to go back to my childhood to just, you know, trail why getting picked mattered to me. Like, I didn't have to do anything from a mental or story perspective, you either in that. It was just the willingness to have an honest moment and give yourself permission, like to say, yeah, I don't want it to be hard, you know, and allowed all that feeling. I'm...
Yeah, I can so relate I just want it to be easy. I want to send the email and have hundreds of people sign up, I do, I really do I can't lie,
We're so glad you're here, everyone. Thank you so much. ⁓ We look forward to staying connected
Aila Coats (27:09)
Yep, we'll see you in the next one. Bye.
Barbara Patterson (27:11)
Bye bye.