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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
You guys, I am so excited to tell you about this amazing experience. This weekend was canoe journey. Canoe journey is a really big deal to my tribe, to Coast Salish, to other tribes in the Pacific Northwest, up in Canada, on the coast, these native peoples reclaiming their indigenous waters from all that has happened through history. And in fact, even the navy comes to help as part of reparations. Obviously, that's not enough, but it's something, and it's symbolic.
Speaker 1:And they do the heavy lifting of the canoes on the banks when the tribes land. It's kind of amazing. So I don't know how to explain it. I'm still doing reentry. So this is my first year, which means I also did not get to paddle.
Speaker 1:But now that I've done this this year, I will get to paddle next year. It happens every year. It's an annual event celebrating the cultures and traditions of the tribes that live on the coast. And while I am at all not representing any particular group as I share this and everything I am sharing, I have permission to share, even the recordings of the music. There are other songs that we cannot record and share, but the ones that I have shared are okay to share.
Speaker 1:So every canoe is like a canoe family, and there's a team in the actual canoe, and there's a team on the land helping support. And so basically, all of the tribes gather and then travel from tribe to tribe to tribe to the different lands. And, like, white people would say ports. Right? Except we're not talking about ports and ships.
Speaker 1:We're talking about indigenous land. And so the tribes take turns welcoming the other tribes to their land, and then they host them for food and for camping for the weekend and for song and dance and all the traditions. There are gifts exchanged, and it's just amazing. I I don't even know that I can capture capture it in words properly. It's not just about the physical work of paddling or lifting the canoes out of the water.
Speaker 1:It's also really this cultural center experience, especially for the young people where traditions get passed down in ways that are intentional and celebratory while building the shared experiences that I don't know how to describe other than something more amazing than camp. It's about connecting to each other. It's about connecting to ourselves, and it's about connecting to the land and water. And that's more significant than you would think because the timing and the unfolding of every day is completely centered around when the sun rises and when the sun sets, when the tides are high and low, how strong the wind is, and how rough the waters are. So it is something more than just the science of all of that.
Speaker 1:It is very spiritual in nature, almost like what is the water saying to us? What is the wind saying to us? What is the sky saying to us? What is the earth saying to us? And it's a very communicative thing, and then I think that's just exponential because of the inter tribal thing that is happening.
Speaker 1:I don't know what happens on the other coast, if there are New York tribes or or peoples in that area. I know it happens also in New Zealand because I saw it there, but those were not my tribes. But I saw them going by. That's a whole different story. But here in my lands, in my tribes with my peoples, we have it, and it includes tribes from Oregon and Washington and Alaska and British Columbia.
Speaker 1:It has to do with everything from the ancestral waters to canoe carving and making the canoes, to sharing the cultural protocols, which I can talk about in a minute, and passing all of this down to the next generation. So different families in the tribes have their own canoes, and each canoe may have different art and name that reflects where it's from or who it's of. And then they may also wear the traditional regalia, like traditional clothing for their tribe. And then wherever they land for the evening, that tribe that is hosting them, feeds them, provides the food for everyone, all of the tribes that have arrived. And then also there's dancing and drumming and the celebrations and the whole feast and gifts of that.
Speaker 1:Most of the canoes are made out of cedar, but some of them are made to look like cedar when it's from different circumstances. And my understanding is that every year the final destination is at a different host nation, but the tribes stop at all the different places along the way. And so as the journey progresses, more and more people gathered because more and more have joined in. Whatever tribe is hosting it for the night has so much work to do. They provide dinner that night after the canoes have landed.
Speaker 1:They provide breakfast in the morning. When I was there, breakfast was like at four in the morning because the tide for them to leave was gonna be at five in the morning. And so breakfast was so early. For me, it was right on time, and I thought, this is another example of my body was never off schedule. I was just in the wrong place.
Speaker 1:They also provide shuttles for people to get from where the canoes land to where the camping is for the night or the weekend, depending on what's happening. And they also provide gifts for the people who are there. And they said that the whole cost of hosting can be like over a million dollars. This is an epic thing that they do. So I can't tell you how epic it is or how much I want to tell you about all the things, but I'll just share the pieces of experience that I can.
Speaker 1:The first thing is seeing the boats come in. When the boats are landing, they actually pass the spot by in peace and then circle back around to approach the land. As the canoes come in, they put their paddles up, the oars point up, and that tells them or communicates that they're coming in peace. And then as the canoes are held against the land, they don't get out of the water yet. I learned so much about consent from this.
Speaker 1:It was so powerful and really helped me understand so much. I'm telling you, they do not just get out of the canoes and come up to the land to join the party. They wait in their canoes. It's a very respectful thing, and they ask permission to enter the other tribe's land. How amazing is that?
Speaker 1:And then, not only that, but the tribe that is receiving them assesses for safety before they reply. Like, are their paddles up? Are their oars up? There's a whole conversation that happens. And then the hosting tribe denies their request to enter the land to rest, and instead then invites them for dinner and dancing.
Speaker 1:I love this because it was such a beautiful example of natural empowerment, of culture as context, of how we cannot heal outside the culture, because they did not say, you can come up here and rest and then be on your way tomorrow. No. What they say is, you don't have to ask permission because we're already inviting you. And it is by our choice, by our invitation that you not just take a break from your hard work and paddling and everything of life that is stressful, but that we nourish you. We will give you dinner.
Speaker 1:We will feed your soul with drumming and song and dance. We will tell stories, and we will give you gifts. You guys, what they're saying is that resting on our land is not sufficient care. That to actually care for you, we need to add the good. You guys, do you hear it?
Speaker 1:It's not harm because they come in peace, so there's no trauma happening. But that is not enough for the indigenous people. We are only safe when we are adding good. We are only safe when we are adding good. And so safety isn't just in the lack of threat of, I'm not going to attack you and you're not going to attack me.
Speaker 1:Safety doesn't happen until I will lift you up and provide what you need. And in return, you will lift us up and provide what we need. There is not a codependency, but a parallel journey of we are doing the work to care for us, and in that can care alongside you. It was so beautiful and so healing to me. I needed this.
Speaker 1:The other piece about consent is that when these people are getting off their canoes at invitation, that hosting tribe can also uninvite them. If you don't keep your promises and do what you're saying you're gonna do, if you don't actually show up and care for us, if you're not actually being safe, if you didn't really bring dances and stories that you're gonna share, if we don't really provide you with food, like whatever side you're talking about, like, part of peace is empowerment. Like, it's not separated. I don't know how to explain it enough in English or without experiencing what I experienced, but it was amazing. It was amazing.
Speaker 1:After all the canoes had arrived, people were setting up tents. There was a place where people could shower. There were places where what is that called? Like tents, except instead of camping tents, they were eating tents. Like, what is the word in English?
Speaker 1:Like pavilions, except it's tents. I don't know what it's called. Like, just the covering only. It didn't have the walls. Where people had circled their chairs around fires and were waiting.
Speaker 1:Like, the rest of the country is in a heat dome. It's like a 120 degrees in Oklahoma this week. My poor kids are like, mom, that's so hot. And here, I'm still having to wear sweaters. It's so cold.
Speaker 1:It's so cold. So it was just a gorgeous night. The gathering of people, the happy sounds of reunions, and my body feeling like it was remembering something I didn't even know I had forgotten, except in a good way, which is so healing and reparative after so many experiences of that in a dissociative way, where it was distressing that I was remembering things. This was like my body remembering something it already knew. I don't know how to explain the magic of it.
Speaker 1:It was incredible. After getting everything set up, we went to one of the cabins that is where we live. This particular tribe had the longhouses, and one of them was for eating. So during the rest of the year, they use it as a gym for the children and to feed the tribe, but this was feeding all of the tribes. I can't even tell you how many people there were or what it was like to be back at summer camp except in a non scary way where we are waiting in line for food.
Speaker 1:But when we went through the line, on my plate, they put four different kinds of fish. They put elk. There was deer or venison when it's deer, I think, something. And there was ham. And I was like, oh, I'm Jewish.
Speaker 1:Thank you. And they said, congratulations, and plopped the ham down. It was so funny and the most unshiny, more happy experience ever. It was amazing. There was full corn on the cob, like the full ear, not just part of one, a full ear.
Speaker 1:And there were two kinds of potatoes. There were cabbages and broccolis. There were fruits and berries, like strawberries and blueberries and blackberries. Oh my goodness. There was so much food, and they gave me this big giant plate.
Speaker 1:And I sat at a long table with the other people and we enjoyed our dinner. It was so good. It was so good, and I was so full. It was just amazing. The person next to me had gotten like the fish head.
Speaker 1:It was a whole head of the fish, like with the eyeball and everything. So it was just the food was amazing. The food was amazing. So culturally specific, it was amazing. And it was also interesting to see because the only tribal activities that I have done were back in Oklahoma, where we have what they call the five civilized tribes, which really is such an offensive term because especially with my tribe is known to be a bit aggressive.
Speaker 1:So I would be the uncivilized one, y'all. But there, we have the people that came from the Trail Of Tears. So it's not even their land except also it is. And also it was still invaded. Like y'all, the musical Oklahoma is such a classic thing.
Speaker 1:It's so powerful. There's so many good things about it. And also it's very disturbing in many different ways, but that Oklahoma land run was literally taken land from the natives. And the Trail Of Tears is a whole thing I can't even get into right now. But the food there is very, very different and very more fried.
Speaker 1:And also the native clothing is very different. And I was talking about this with my friend. I was like, there we have more teepees. We have more the housing is just so different with animal skins and things. And here, it's built out of cedar.
Speaker 1:It's built into cabins and long houses and smoke houses and all these things. And part of the native dress here has even these big hat things, and I will get a hat next year, and I'm so excited about when I get my hat. But I don't even remember the word. I'm sorry. I don't mean I don't mean to be respectful by not remembering the word.
Speaker 1:There's so many words for all the things. But the hat, I will get next year when I do canoe journey again. And I was talking with them, like, that's so interesting how different it is. But we were talking about how there in Oklahoma, the weather is so hot, and it is so dry. So they don't have a need for hats, and they don't have a need for homes in that context.
Speaker 1:Here, it rains a lot because we're right by the ocean, and the wind comes in and drops all the moisture from the air along the coast and then moves across the mountains. And on the other side of the mountains is desert. So it's just interesting seeing it all tied together. Like like, when I lived in Idaho, that was all desert, but because of the snow melt from the mountains, they had rivers and they had everyone's lawn has sprinklers because you can't in a desert if you don't. Right?
Speaker 1:Like, that's why Arizona just has rocks. But Idaho has the snow melt, and so they have the canals, and they have the sprinklers, and it's this illusion of a mirage right in the middle of the desert. In Oklahoma, we don't have snow melt, and so, like, you're not allowed to use sprinklers. Like, it's illegal part of the time of the year sometimes. Right?
Speaker 1:And so it's just fascinating to see it all tied together, but here it's so rainy. So the tribes do have these hats, and they have these cabins where they need a different kind of shelter and warmer shelter. So it was just really interesting to learn about that and see how natural that is, that it's not just like a costume design. Like, really there's purpose and history and culture in it, and I really loved learning about that. The other thing I learned about that I really want to share today is more about two spirit.
Speaker 1:I have friends who have asked me about this because especially in the context of religious trauma, I've said a lot like, I am not very doily, I'm not very super girly, I don't wear makeup, all of these things. And also I'm fem enough. Like, I really just identify as me And people have asked me, like, well, what about non binary? Have you considered that? And it's like, well, I mean, I culturally, where I lived before non binary was such a specific small spectrum of the humanity of humanity, that what that was there was nothing close to what I'm even capable of defining myself as or presenting as.
Speaker 1:But I have found since I left Oklahoma that generally in the world outside of whatever that was, non binary means something else and that it's much broader and understanding and experience. But still, as I consider the question, I don't have any need to encompass more maleness, and I don't have any problem with my femaleness, I have a problem with other people telling me what femaleness should be. And as a union, like with all the problems that that Jung like has, like I get it. And also with coming from that background, like I was trained since I was 20 with Anima and Animas and that being a part of us naturally. So in those conversations that we sometimes have in the community or different things, I'm like, no, I don't really identify as non binary.
Speaker 1:I'm just okay being female. And also, I know it's not that simple. And also, I know I don't always use the right language, and I'm not trying to use wrong or disrespectful language does not translate well from sign language into English, and I'm sorry when I get that wrong or use it poorly and also in just trying to describe my experience. So I had friends asking, even if you struggle with understanding non binary, have you considered two spirit? Because it encompasses different things.
Speaker 1:Well, the answer to that is I don't have any idea what that means. I understand that it's in the LGBT umbrella and sometimes included at the end of the alphabet soup, like two s or two s plus sometimes for two spirit. And I understand indigenous as a concept. I have not understood at all what it means or why people are asking me about it. And so while I was there with my friend who does identify as two spirit and who is indigenous and local here, and so has awareness and access to what does that actually mean culturally?
Speaker 1:What does it mean for them personally and talking to them about it? I learned so much. And it's not at all what I thought it was. I don't know what I thought it was, but it's not at all what I thought it was. So here is what I learned.
Speaker 1:The concept of two spirit actually has a whole history to it. Different tribes, different first nations had different words for different things. Many of the tribes and many of the peoples had language where gender was not even actually related to body parts necessarily at all. And it may be about how someone presents, or how someone dresses, or what role they decide to play in life or what they do to express themselves. There's like a whole continuum.
Speaker 1:There are tribes that had six to 12 different words for gender, like just for femaleness, a whole spectrum, or maleness, a whole spectrum, and they were not seen as exclusive of each other. Because it's more about the interaction, how we interact with each other, how we interact with the earth. These layers are what matters to indigenous people. And so there were some tribes that didn't even have language for it at all, because it was completely irrelevant. Because if I am respecting all of who you are, and what it means to be you, And I'm busy staying in my lane, mind, and my own business being all of who I am and what that means to me.
Speaker 1:And we are together respecting the earth and what the earth means to us and the animals and all these things, right? Like, othering each other then sort of loses any validity or even coherence. Like, it doesn't make sense to separate ourselves further when the whole point is connection means healing. So the context of people's gender and even people's orientation, like lesbian or gay, things like this, were not so confined as it is in English, much less in culture. So both with language and culture, it was so much more accepting, not just tolerant, that feels icky, and not just accepting, it was just normal, no different than what color of hair we have, or what color our skin is, like it just is.
Speaker 1:And so that's the context of indigenous experience. But what happened in the history of Europeans and colonialism is that the French referred to them, which we would now call non binary or gender fluid folks or gay and lesbian relationships, those kinds of folks in those kinds of expressions, experiences, orientations, relationships, the whole gamut, Okay? The French referred to them with the label of Bordeaux and specifically applied it primarily to native cultures. Then the English adopted it from the French. And so when we had an indigenous person who was also non binary or gay or lesbian or queer in some way, like reclaiming the word queer.
Speaker 1:Right? When we had an indigenous person who was queer in some way, the French and the English referred to them as bordash. That word comes from an Arabic word actually, bardash, meaning slave or kept boy. As in little boys, this is difficult content, little boys who were taken as slaves to perform sexual acts for higher class people. You guys, that is not performance, That is not intercourse.
Speaker 1:That is not sexual acts. That is abuse. That is exploitation. And I wanna be a 100% clear about it. That enslaving people for the purpose of sexual violence is trafficking, is abuse, is not okay at all.
Speaker 1:So using this word against indigenous queer people carried this negative connotation and even medical implications for Europeans who viewed queer indigenous people, indigenous queer people, I feel like indigenous, the word should come first, Indigenous queer people as deviant or unnatural. Can I point out again, for those of us who have endured sexual violence, To blame the victim like that, even in cultural context, is gaslighting? Those little boys were not choosing to do what they had to do. Any of us who were little girls or little boys or little queer people in whatever bodies we were born into. That we were born with or socialized as did not choose or consent to do the things we had to do.
Speaker 1:I know we have not talked about this a lot explicitly directly out loud on the podcast because when the podcast began, we so wanted to be gentle with everybody. And also it says very clearly and directly in the introduction to the podcast now that these are more advanced topics And because we have liberated ourselves and are back in therapy, these topics are coming out and coming up and being vomited out in therapy. We will be talking about these things. And this is an example. And in this example, it is historical trauma, both for the little boys that are originally referenced in the language and an indigenous queer folks getting labeled as that.
Speaker 1:So then European explorers and anthropologists applied the term to indigenous people who did not conform to Western gender roles, white gender roles. Often misinterpreting and mischaracterizing their roles and identities within their own societies. So while bardash was the French word that predates two spirit, To describe these folks, it is crucial to acknowledge that the terms harmful origins and misuse in distorting the understanding of diverse gender and sexual identities and indigenous cultures is dangerous and harmful and awful. This is beyond slur. I will put some links in the show notes for anyone who wants to read more about this.
Speaker 1:But basically in the 90s, so think about context, think about what happened with the AIDS movement, think about sort of the liberation and the wider acceptance of, oh yeah, queer people are a thing. I mean, we didn't use the word queer yet, but gays and lesbians being out and proud, right, in context. So part of what happened very naturally in that context is even with indigenous folks, we're like, we're tired of being shamed and blamed for being who we are because this is who we are. And there's not something wrong with us. We don't have a behavior problem.
Speaker 1:We're not acting out. We're not unnatural. All the things. And to use a sexual abuse term to label queer folks is so horrific and horrendous. I can't even.
Speaker 1:So what happened was in 1990, there was a gathering of tribes. So First Nations inter tribal meeting, and within that, a gay and lesbian group met together to come up with a new term to say, you have to stop using the term bardash. That's not okay. We do not accept that anymore. So basically, they looked at the language that different tribes had or didn't have for things that were any connection to the concept of LGBT, and through that came up with the term of two spirit, which does not mean two genders.
Speaker 1:It does not mean someone who's non binary. It does not mean someone who's gender queer, gender fluid. It's bigger than that. It's broader than that. It is for indigenous people the same kind of term as LGBT.
Speaker 1:It could include a lot of things. So some people may say two spirit and mean specifically non binary, the way some people could say gay, but mean specifically lesbian, as opposed to gay meaning male only. Right? And so it is a broader and bigger term. So in that context, of course, I'm two spirit, and that's easy to settle into because I already know that I'm gay.
Speaker 1:I already know I'm a lesbian. I already know I am in the queer community. Reclaiming queer was a rough transition for me, but that is religious trauma getting in the way of my timeline. Right? So I've caught up to that.
Speaker 1:That feels good. I'm okay with using that language and those words. And so two spirit is easy to settle in. And also if someone says they're two spirit, there may be more clarification about what that means to them because it could mean lots of things. Most often, it means a third gender or other gender.
Speaker 1:And for me, I don't identify with a different gender at all. So in that way, I would not use it for myself if that were the context of the conversation. The other thing that's really important is that it not be appropriated. So if you're not indigenous, identifying as two spirit is not okay. Some places like Canada, they put the acronym at the beginning of the alphabet soup, so they say 2S LGBTQI plus as the official LGBT language alphabet, and then sometimes say two s LGBT as a shortened version of that.
Speaker 1:But what matters is that if you were not an indigenous or First Nations people, to use two spirit is considered cultural appropriation. The other thing to remember is that for indigenous people, their indigenous identity comes first, and then any sexual orientation or gender identity comes after that, which is different than most white folks who are so identified with their whiteness that to be queer or gay or lesbian becomes their primary identity because that is where they are already othered, because they already have the privilege of the majority. That being said, my friend also said, what is fun is that some of the younger folks who are growing up then call themselves, instead of identifying as two spirit, are actually using the phrase indigiqueer, which I love. Love, love, love, indigiqueer. I could totally get behind that.
Speaker 1:It feels more accurate for me as someone who doesn't really identify as being non binary. I identify as my femaleness. I just don't want other people to identify. I just don't want other people to tell me what femaleness means to me. And so I really don't consider myself non binary.
Speaker 1:So I could in the broader sense identify as two spirit, but not specifically when it's addressing gender, because I don't think that has anything to do with my gender. So then I don't. But when we say indigiqueer as a more inclusive term, but specific to orientation rather than only gender, I love that and could totally identify and adopt that a 100%. In fact, I may be saying it from now on, like I would totally accept Indigiqueer. It's my new favorite word in English even if it's made up.
Speaker 1:The other people getting behind Indigiqueer is that there are some criticisms of Two Spirits and that it was trying to find native language to fit a white concept, as opposed to it coming organically from indigenous people for indigenous concepts. It was a response to white people oppression and white people colonialism, and so it was a response to whiteness as opposed to an expression of self. And so that's a fair criticism, but Indigiqueer is a term that is newer and people are adopting it because it is more from self centered rather than white centered. They can identify first as indigenous, queer, which could be more general or more specific, and it's more inclusive of any gender issues or clarifications and any orientationings. So that was really interesting to me, I thought.
Speaker 1:The other criticism of two spirit is that it moves away from indigenous language, which had more variance for gender spectrum ness, whereas two spirit becomes binary, even if it's trying to include both or be a third option, it still is limiting, so it's less than what indigenous language offered already. So Indigiqueer has become a counter response to the response, if that makes sense. In my tribe specifically, the word was, but it has to do not with gender, but orientation. So that rings true to me. I do, however, obviously identify as lesbian, so I do not identify with heteronormativeness.
Speaker 1:And so this word is about being not heteronormative. And I love that in my tribe specifically, it's focused on that rather than gender. And so that may just be part of why it's my own personal experience. And I think all of that can be true without it invalidating anyone else's experience or what their tribe says or expresses. So I will put links in the show notes for those of you who want to learn more about that.
Speaker 1:It was really interesting to me, and I love the term Indigiqueer, and I will totally adopt that from now on and say that, and I am happy to clarify or tell the story of anyone who asks me. But I love it. I love it. I love it. I can't tell you how much.
Speaker 1:And that with the amazing dinner that we had made for just a profound experience before we ever even got to the smokehouse for the dancing and the drumming. It was amazing. First, there were people gathering in, like, white people at a basketball game. You call it the stands. Right?
Speaker 1:But these were, like, steps we could sit on or, and it was all made out of wood, and there was a fire at both ends of it. It was kind of an oval room, and there were fires at both ends. And the first thing they did was a welcoming ceremony. That's the song you heard at the beginning, was from the welcoming ceremony where the tribal leaders and the tribal young people did a specific song and dance as part of the canoe journey and welcoming the people here, welcoming to this land, welcoming. It was just beautiful.
Speaker 1:With that, with that and in the dance, they often raise their hands in a certain way that means thank you. And I love that so much as a deaf person because there was visual language happening, like everybody knew this sign language, even though also they were singing. It was amazing. I loved it. After the welcoming dance, then the different tribes did different dances for each other, and there were some call and response things.
Speaker 1:There were drumming things. And some of it really is I wanna be respectful and not talk about too much just because it's private, but it was amazing and an incredible experience. My favorite parts were when they really got the youth involved with the hopping and then jumping and the dancing. There were times where some of them were going around the outside and others were dancing or hopping in the middle. I don't know how to explain it.
Speaker 1:It was just an incredible, incredible experience. I loved it so much. It went on late into the night. I don't know how other people slept. Even with my ears off, I could feel it in my bones.
Speaker 1:It was amazing. It was just a profound, powerful experience, and I loved everything about it. So I know this is one of the episodes that is more journal like in that it is a side quest of something in my life rather than something dissociation specific, but it is an example of me doing these side quests to find out who I am and who I want to be, and that is an integrative experience for me to work out what does gender mean to me? What gender do I identify as? Why?
Speaker 1:What does that mean to me? Even if it means something else to someone else. What orientation do I experience? Who am I looking for in a relationship? What do I not want in a relationship?
Speaker 1:I can tell you a lot about that. So this is so important and absolutely part of therapy. It's an example of doing phase three work, even though we're always coming back to phase one and still have a lot of phase two. Y'all, if we remember that phase one is about safety and stability, phase two is about memory work and trauma processing. And phase three is about integrating all that together and functioning in the real world.
Speaker 1:This is why it counts. People cannot well, I was gonna say they can't do something, but I'm an Al Anon, so I have zero control over what other people can do. Okay? They can do whatever they want, but it is not accurate for people to tell me criticisms that this kind of episode does not count for the podcast because it's not about dissociation. Do you know why?
Speaker 1:Because healing is not about dissociation. Healing is about association. And this weekend was about associating with my people. And for those of us who grew up with no people, or for those of us who have had to leave our people in order to stay alive, whether that was your church or your family or your relationship or everything, this is absolutely relevant and a 100% worth sharing. Also, it's a part of me.
Speaker 1:So it's okay if you don't care about it, but it's still work that matters to me, and I'm absolutely going to do it. And my therapist says, it's not even about reclaiming. Reclaiming the podcast, reclaiming the community, reclaiming my tribe, reclaiming my heritage. None of that's true, she says. It is a new claiming.
Speaker 1:It is a first claiming because I never got to have it fully in my own right in the first place. This is creating something new. It is building a brand new me and not in a dissociative way, in an access to myself and my history and who I am way. And that is phase one, doing it safely with support connected to community. It is phase two.
Speaker 1:Do you know what I remembered as I heard those drums? I remembered the drum I could feel from the front porch before the fire. And it was the first time I put together, do you know that in Oklahoma, to adopt a native child, one of the things that they have done is that they protect native children, and so native children have to be adopted in the tribe, if at all possible. And connecting that part of my story from that couple with that part of my heritage, with that part of me, that that peace, no matter what abusers did to me, they cannot take that away because we are still connected by the drums. The drums are our heartbeat, and that means we are still connected.
Speaker 1:And me now with cochlear implants, feeling drums in my bones and hearing them with my ears means I am still alive. And that's worth dancing to.