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Art of Spousing is for marriages that what to move from being mundane to becoming masterpiece relationships. Hosts James and Lisa Duvall share truths and lessons learned from their 30 years of marriage and over a decade of teaching, coaching, and speaking on marriage.
James: [00:00:00] Hey friends. Welcome back to the artist espousing where we explore the beautiful, sometimes messy and always worthwhile journey in marriage. over the last few episodes, we've been using a tool called The Five Voices, and today we're gonna be talking about the communication specifically. So if you haven't had a chance to take that free Five Voices assessment, we'd love for you to jump into the show notes and do that so that some of the stuff we're talking about today would have greater context for
Lisa: you. Yeah. And probably through this, , whole season, we'll be referencing five voices. So we want you to take that so We're diving into a topic today. Honestly, every married couple needs to master if they wanna communicate well and actually understand each other. It's called the communication code. And let's be real. This has saved us from a whole lot of frustration,
James: That's true. A whole lot of frustration because let's face it, communication isn't just about what you say, it's about what the other person actually hears.
And if you're speaking different languages without [00:01:00] knowing it, we might as well be throwing words into the wind.
Lisa: Right. This has happened more times than I'd like to admit. so today we're gonna be unpacking the idea of decoding your spouse using a tool called the communication code. It helps couples understand not just what's being said, but how it's meant to be received.
James: And we want encourage you to stick around because we're sharing some real life stories, including one where I completely misread Lisa's cues. Spoiler alert, it did not end well for me.
Lisa: that is right Mr. Duvall. And before we dive in, we've got something special for you. A free communication code assessment. Do you wanna know how proficient you are in the five key components of communication?
This quick assessment will help you identify your strengths and challenges, improve collaboration in your marriage, and discover the power of care and celebration in your daily life.
James: It's a great tool for couples and families alike. So if you're curious about how well you really communicate, head to the show notes and take that free assessment today.
This whole idea of decoding your spouse's communication reminds me [00:02:00] of the Enigma Machine from World War ii. if you've ever seen the movie The Imitation Game, it tells a story of how Alan Turing and his team worked tirelessly to break the seemingly impossible code.
Britain was actually losing the war, shipping convoys carrying food and munitions essential to the war effort were being sunk in the Atlantic by convoys of German U-boats. unless the British could crack the German codes, the war would be over. This was the challenge that was set before Alan Touring and other brilliant academics From Oxford and Cambridge. Their work didn't just break a code, it actually changed the course of history.
Lisa: And that's exactly what we're talking about today. Learning to break the communication code in marriage. Because sometimes even though words are being exchanged, the real message isn't getting through.
James: That's right. So there are five communication codes.
Celebrate, care, clarify, collaborate, and critique. And each one serves a different purpose and sets an expectation of how someone wants to be responded to.
So let's start with [00:03:00] the fun one. The celebration code.
Lisa: This one's all about sharing joy. When your spouse is telling you something exciting, they're not looking for analysis or critique or logic, right? They just want you to be excited with them.
James: Celebrating
Lisa: spouse means that you're recognizing what matters to them. It may not be a big till to you, but if it's a big till to them lean in and match their energy and make it special.
James: right. If I'm not careful, I can unintentionally throw cold water on the excitement that, you're trying to invite me into your Lisa Sometimes when you're celebrating something, my brain immediately starts ideating about how we can make the next time even better, right? How can we improve it, tweak it, or maximize it? But in those moments, what you really are wanting, is not my strategy. You're wanting me to join in your joy,
Lisa: right? You actually could be, and most always are very excited even when you're adding to and ideating and giving critique you, you're building on. But how it impacts me, is very [00:04:00] different than that. So you're showing interest by giving feedback and critique, but really I just want you to celebrate and celebrate the moment.
Celebrate the win. Celebrate the situation, right? Or the season that I'm talking about,
James: Right. The second code is the care code, and this is about just wanting to be listened to, right? Right. the care code is all about emotional connection. It's when your spouse just needs a safe place to vent. Process or the share of their heart. and they're not looking for solutions.
They're not looking for critique. They're saying, I just need you to listen and to be present. This is where we've used the language of fix and feel. And I may ask you, do you need me to fix this or do you need me to feel this? Right?
Lisa: right? Or I may even start out, I just need you to feel this with me.
Mm-hmm. And I give you the heads up that this is what I need you to do.
James: Right. Because in the care mode, all you're looking for is empathy, not solutions.
Lisa: There have been times when I just needed to process and James being the natural problem solver, jumped in with solutions.
But in those moments, fixing it wasn't what I needed. And I actually didn't feel like. You were hearing me right? I [00:05:00] just needed you to be present with me and hear me out and feel it out, right?
James: And on the flip side, if you don't, want help, knowing that in advance makes all the difference, right? It keeps me from guessing and lets me engage in the ways that you actually need me to engage,
Lisa: So it is good that each other ask questions of what we need, but if we can lead with what we need, which is care, I need you to feel it. That means I am in. Care mode,
James: Right.
Lisa: If you're listening to this and you're thinking, wow, we could really use a reset in our marriage, then we've got something just for you.
James: Yeah. It's called a marriage reboot, and it's a three month coaching process with Lisa and I designed to help couples move from just surviving to actually thriving in their marriage.
It starts with a private two day intensive where we help you gain clarity on Where you are and where you want to go together, and we build a purpose-driven roadmap to get you there.
Lisa: but the transformation doesn't stop there.
Over the next three months, we will walk with you through intentional coaching sessions to help you implement what you've learned, navigate challenges, and build [00:06:00] lasting habits that strengthen your marriage.
James: So whether your marriage is in crisis, you're feeling stuck, or simply you need a fresh vision. A marriage reboot is designed to bring clarity, connection, and renewal. If you're ready to stop living by default and start living by design, visit artist espousing.com/coaching to learn more.
You can also schedule a 30 minute call with a link in the show notes with Lisa and I to learn more about the marriage reboot.
Lisa: Okay. We've talked about celebration and care. So let's talk about the third code, clarify code. clarify code is one that certain personality types naturally lean toward more than others. For example, guardians who value structure details and precision often rely on clarify code because they want to ensure that everything is well thought out and nothing is left vague.
if clarify is your go-to, or if you are in a conversation where clarity is needed, here's some helpful, prompting questions.
So [00:07:00] you could say something like, are you thinking out loud? Are you looking for a decision? Right. what are the possible options you see? would it help if I reflected back what I'm hearing? Right. So these are asking questions to see if that is what the, the, your spouse is trying to do.
James: Right. These questions are especially useful when one spouse is more comfortable verbalizing their thoughts than the others. Some people process out loud while other time.
Yeah. Others take time to intentionally work through ideas before speaking. It's more how I process, right? So using the clarify code bridges the gap, ensuring both partners feel heard and understood instead of making assumptions.
Lisa: That's right. The fourth code is the collaborate code.
Collaboration is all about working together to shape something better than either of you could do and create on your own. It's not just about the big decisions either. It's about inviting each other into the process, right? All couples collaborate in some way. The key is to be intentional. Some spouses tend to take charge while the others are passive.
[00:08:00] That's not really collaboration, right? It's just delegation or avoidance of collaboration, right?
James: Different voices approach collaboration differently. You know, pioneers love bold ideas and visions, so they may take charge quickly expecting others. Just to jump in, Why guardians prefer structure, so they may hesitate to collaborate until all the details are clear, and connectors bring enthusiasm and relational energy.
But if they don't feel heard. They can disengage. So understanding these tendencies helps make collaboration smoother and more balanced. Right.
Lisa: And I'm a nurturer voice, which my, my go-to, communication code is care, right?
So most of the time I will just, if I get around these, guardians, connectors, I usually just get quiet, right? And so I could avoid collaborating because all of the, oxygen has been taken up by, right.
James: And so as a, as a creative, I need to invite you to collaborate with me.
Lisa: me. Right, right,
right. A great way to improve collaboration in marriage is to ask questions like, especially to a person who may not be collaborative.
Mm-hmm. I wanna be, but [00:09:00] just I'm not doing it. What do you think about this, Lisa? Right. How would you approach this? Would you approach it differently? Right. what concerns or ideas do you have, right? That invites someone who's maybe not collaborating into the process, especially if you're one, one of those more dominant
James: dominants, right? Sometimes collaboration means one spouse has to step outside of their comfort zone. Maybe one person is naturally more social.
Like you're saying, while others, prefer quiet nights at home, right? So even in the practices of avoid doing marriage collaboration could look like agreeing to attend a social event together, but also planning a recharge night afterwards. Or maybe one spouse loves adventure. And the other prefers predictability.
So they, they collaborate by planning both spontaneous and structured activities in their schedule.
Lisa: One of the ways, James, that you and I collaborate is helping each other stay healthy.
Right? So you're good at pushing me to stay active and move 'cause I have a hard time moving. when I don't feel like working out. you gently remind [00:10:00] me, um, about and collaborate, uh, ways to maybe motivate me or get me moving. and I like to help make. Help you make better food choices, um, because you could go straight for junk food or a pint of ice cream
James: Right? And it's not about one person controlling the other. Mm-hmm. It's about supporting each other in ways that make us both feel better. And we will oftentimes in our conversation, collaborate on.
Food prep and things that are gonna help us both move towards our goal or, you know, our schedule. So collaboration is really important in marriage communication because it, it's really helping each other be better, right? It's actually what we say. Fighting for the highest good collaboration is a way that, helps me be better, helps you be better.
So we need to incorporate that in our
Lisa: you know, just as you were just processing that us collaborating, meal prep or what does our week look like?
how can we, help each other get to the gym? Those kinds of things. It actually helps championing one another in a way that's actually, feels encouraging and doesn't feel like you are my accountability partner. No, you're my collaboration [00:11:00] partner. I love that. cause it's not really about just eating and exercise.
Um, it's about holding each other, to the thing that we want, we actually have expressed that we wanna do individually. And it feels more like teamwork rather than nagging. that's what collaboration's all about, working together to create a healthier, stronger marriage. And obviously me being physically fit and taking care of myself is gonna make a stronger marriage just as it does for you.
James: Right. the last code is the critique code, and this is really about feedback. And the critique code can be a tricky one in marriage because not all moments are the right time for feedback. Like when Lisa asked me, how do those genes make my bottom look? There is actually no safe answer, right?
If I say, great, she may think that they're too revealing. If I say not great, well let's just say I'll be in trouble either way. And I'm sure any guy that's listening today has been in that situation where sometimes honest feedback is hard,
Lisa: And yeah. And just so you know, all wives, we all know this. Don't ever ask that question.
[00:12:00] That's not a good question. So that's why it's important to clarify if the person is actually looking for critique before offering it. Sometimes we just want encouragement and sometimes we really do want constructive feedback.
And I will usually lead, I'm looking for feedback, I'm looking for critique. especially 'cause I would be the person who's the more sensitive in our relationship. Right? Yeah.
James: And I heard somebody say one time that feedback is actually a gift, And sometimes we, you know, uh, we may avoid critique or avoid feedback, but really it's about me inviting you in to make me better, like, help me see the things I don't see, help me see my blind spots, help me see the things that are gonna trip me up.
And so,
Lisa: you know, one of the things that just made me think of, sorry for interrupting you. Yeah. But I think about when I'm talking to young leaders who are tired of getting feedback from people.
Yeah. And this, it just resonated to me. Of course, all of these are leadership tools that we use in our married life. Mm-hmm. Um, but I would say to a young leader, so I would say to. Spouse is listening. if your spouse is giving you feedback, they actually believe there's potential that you [00:13:00] can, increase your health and your, your communication, or you're just person, right?
The scary thing is, if you're not getting feedback right.
James: Right.
Lisa: That means people have lost hope, that you are even listening, that you would even apply anything learned. And so it actually helps me frame feedback of going, James, if you're giving me feedback, you're trying to help me be better, right? I can, I can.
Um, maybe it doesn't hit me right sometimes, but I wanna, I wanna receive it because it is actually a gift and it communicates, it's worth me telling you, Lisa, because you're gonna do something about it. Right? Because you're that kind of person,
James: Right. Yeah. It's, it's, it's basically you're saying, Hey, be a mirror for me. Help me see what's like to be on the other side of the mirror, or help me see the things I don't see. You know, you're actually, it's a way that you're inviting people into your life to help liberate you and empower you to be, you know, just you.
Yeah, exactly. You know, different personalities handle critique in unique ways. pioneers tend to give it quickly and directly. While nurturers may hesitate because they don't want to hurt feelings, right? Guardians prefer well [00:14:00] thought out, fact-based critique, while connectors might soften their words and maintain their relationship, and then creatives on the hand can take critique personally because their ideas feel like an extension of themselves, right?
And, uh, they may need feedback framed in the way that highlights possibilities rather than limitations. So knowing how your spouse naturally processes critique can help you deliver it in a way that builds up rather than tears down. critique should be invited into our life, not just given 'cause then that feels like criticism, right?
Instead of critique,
Lisa: right?
This is why I love Five Voices, that it actually helps you know how you receive and, give communication out and just, just your personality style. It's just a great tool. So, and it's also about how you give critique, right? Not just how you receive it, instead of just pointing out flaws, framing feedback in a way that emphasizes growth and partnership can make all the difference.
Like saying, I see what you're going for. What if we tweak this into make it even better, right? Instead of going, that's not gonna [00:15:00] work, right? You're not gonna get anywhere doing that.
James: Right? And again, timing matters here. offering critique. When your spouse isn't in the right head space to receive it will only lead the defensiveness.
So one simple way to navigate this is by using a permission based approach. I'm asking for you the critique. So before offering feedback, you can actually ask for permission to give feedback, right? Hey, are you open to some critique on this?
This small step gives your spouse a choice to engage or defer the conversation until they're in a better place to receive it. So if you're unsure if your spouse is ready for feedback, just say, Hey, are you open to some feedback on this? that can go a long way if they say, not right now.
Okay, great. Just hold it. And eventually they're gonna wanna come back around and kind of go, Hey, hey, what were you gonna tell me?
Lisa: Right.
Right. And I think it's important to come back around to that. Mm-hmm. And, and a, and. Because you do wanna learn so that you can move forward. So I may say something like four days later, Hey, you said something about having feedback for me. I think I'm in a good head space and emotionally ready for [00:16:00] that.
A great way to make the critique code work in your marriage is to create a culture where feedback is seen as helpful, not hurtful. So it may, may take a little bit of a, a mindset shift in that how you, um, receive it. Encouraging critique in the right moments can actually strengthen your relationship rather than cause friction,
James: Right. And sometimes we can misinterpret something as critique when it wasn't intended that way at all.
Like this one time we were trying, you remember we
Lisa: yes, I was laying in bed and I pat your belly like goodnight. Like a Yeah, because three taps means I love you. So it's just
James: Right. But you're patting a little bit of rubbing on my stomach and out of nowhere, you know, you actually used one of my leadership statements to me.
Lisa: you often
use.
James: leadership development, you said small, smart choices and you just kinda let that drift off. You know, I was, you know, I wasn't sure exactly what you meant, that like I had been eating too many potato chips or that My inconsistent ab workouts were actually [00:17:00] revealing my hidden six pack.
Either way I wasn't sure how to take it. Right.
Lisa: right. And that's a perfect example of how easily we can hear something as critique when it's not meant that way. Um, learning to check in and say, Hey, did you mean that as feedback in, in that moment? I actually was trying to be encouraging to you.
'cause I could tell that your stomach had gone down and so I was like, oh, small smart choices. Seriously. I'm not lying. I'm not lying. I wouldn't lie. But basically you can save a lot of unnecessary frustration by just asking, what did you mean? That as feedback,
James: okay. So now that we've gone through the five communication codes, let's talk about, what happens when you and your spouse are sending and receiving different codes?
Because in communication there's the transmission. There's also the reception and I'm gonna put, a link to an image of the communication code in our show notes. So you can see this tool, but you know, we're, we're constantly transmitting information and then there's also a receiving information, so we gotta make [00:18:00] sure that Our communication is not getting crossed. Yeah,
Lisa: So this is where things can get really messy, because if I'm speaking in care code, but you, James are receiving it in critique.
James: Like
Lisa: Small smart choices, they care for you. You received it as critique, right?
We're gonna have a problem,
James: right? Yeah. So let's break this down with a few common misfires.
Okay?
Lisa: First there's the, I just want you to listen, but you're fixing it scenario, right? I'm in care mode, but James is going critique or collaboration mode. I need emotional support and instead I got a to-do list, right?
James: Then there's the, I wanna celebrate. But you just critiqued it problem. Right. Maybe Lisa shares something she's excited about and instead of cheering her on, I ask a bunch of logical questions to point out potential flaws and they can, actually kill the joy real fast.
Lisa: Another big one is I was trying to clarify my thoughts and you thought I was making a final decision.
I might be like verbally processing 'cause I am a big verbal processor. but you don't realize [00:19:00] it that I'm in clarify mode. Right. And you think that I'm setting something in stone when I'm just
James: Right, you're, you're trying to clarify in your mind, you're inviting me to clarify.
But you know, I think that's a, that's a common one in relationships is, when somebody is processing their verbal processor. And if you're not a verbal processor, if you're more, A to B, black and white, not in the gray. You can tend to think a decision's made,
Lisa: Right. Well, yeah. And that's, this is actually because of your, creativity.
Mm-hmm. A lot of times you, you're not a verbal processor, but you do have a lot of ideas and so you're talking and unloading ideas a lot. And I think that we're, we're gonna do all of these ideas, which start to overwhelm me.
James: Right. there's a tool that, we love in
Lisa: that'll help in both of
James: Yeah. And I'll, and I'll add a link to this image too.
It's called Provisional Plan Promise. And the tool comes in handy in these kind of situations. 'cause sometimes when we communicate, I. we assume that the person or what's being said is a firm decision when really we're just processing out [00:20:00] loud. So using this tool helps set expectations.
So neither spouse misinterprets the conversation. Right,
Lisa: right. So provisional means, I'm just thinking out loud. It's brainstorming. there's no commitment. You're just exploring ideas for you. When you're ideating, you're just exploring ideas. For me, when I'm just processing out loud, I'm trying to land on what I really wanna do.
So I'm just verbally giving a lot of, text out and paragraphs.
James: second level of that tool then is plan, right? Which means this is the direction we're going, right? And it's still open for discussion, but we're narrowing it down. We're heading this way. but still feedback is still welcome 'cause we're still kinda shaping it.
But the plan is, hey, we're going, to, North Carolina for vacation this summer. We haven't figured all the details, but that's the plan.
right, right.
Lisa: right. And so sometimes in your ideation when you're being creative and having a lot of ideas, I'm like, are you just processing provisional or are we in a planning mode? You're like, no, no, no. I'm just, I'm just thinking out loud.
I'm
James: talking about ideas.
Lisa: how about ideas? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Because then that helps me stay in the right [00:21:00] category and so. The last is promise this is happening. No. Turning back. Full commitment. When something is a promise, breaking it later damages trust and creates unnecessary tension. So when we say we're in the promise, we're like this provisional plan promise, we are moving full steam ahead on this idea, on this decision, on this plan.
Yeah.
James: And this is a great tool for parenting as well. If you have young kids. When, when you say, Hey, I promise we're gonna do that, that actually does something with kids. They, they actually take that as like then when something comes up, you know, have to go outta town for work or you know, another commitment comes up.
It breaks trust, right? So even using this language with kids is like, Hey, I plan on being at that game. this weekend, but just so you know, that's the plan. But I do have a couple things that could interfere with that. But you could say, I promise I'm gonna be at your game, and then you don't show up that, that's hurtful.
Right? So using this provisional plan, [00:22:00] promise language and, and family context is really good. It can clear up any, misunderstanding and avoid unnecessary conflict.
Lisa: This misalignment also happens in collaboration mode, right?
In that, in that mode, one person might think that we're working together, but the other one often feels left out or unheard. James, I assume you and I are making a decision together, but you've already moved ahead with the plan, right? So it's not a collaboration. I think it's collaboration, but it's not, you've already moved ahead of play.
That can leave me feeling sidelined instead of a true teammate. And actually it can at times feel like I'm being manipulated, like you're just trying to bring me along versus allowing me to be a part of the collaboration. Right.
James: On the flip side, I think we're still brainstorming, and you believe that we've settled on the course of action, I might unknowingly create frustration by continuing to tweak things.
Mm-hmm. thinking that we hadn't actually decided on where we're going yet.
Lisa: Yeah. That's why it's important to pause and check in. Hey, are we still collaborating or is this moved in a final decision? So thinking about collaborating, is this provisional. Is this [00:23:00] plan or are we promised we're moving forward?
That small moment of clarification can prevent a lot of unnecessary conflict. And just when you mention that sometimes when I think that we are in a plan and it's a promise, I'm moving ahead doing work and wasting my time, that you actually didn't even intend and then that makes me frustrated at you, that I've, I've planned and I'm moving forward.
You're like, ah, I was just really collaborating. We're in the provisional place. Yeah, exactly.
James: So you can see there's a lot of places that. One person is transmitting information and it's being received from the other person.
And communication codes get crossed. Yep. to reemphasize, this happens with critique. Uh, we might think we're helping, but if your spouse isn't in the right mindset to receive it, it can feel like criticism. more than constructive feedback.
So lemme take this a step farther and remind us about the tool that we talk a lot about, the know yourself to lead yourself tool,
Lisa: I love
this tool because it helps us recognize patterns in our thoughts and actions and communication.
what we think leads to what we say and do, which impacts how others [00:24:00] experience us. If we're unaware of our natural tendencies, We may unintentionally create frustration instead of connection. Each of us has two default communication codes that we naturally lean into, whether we realize it or not.
Yeah. Mine is care and clarify, I Would you say that's true?
James: Yeah, I think so.
I believe so. So, and mine is, collaborate and critique, right? So this is why taking the, the free communication code assessment is so important. So we'll encourage you to do that for sure.
Lisa: If you haven't already, check out the link in the show notes and take the assessment and just don't take it by yourself. Share it with your spouse so you can compare your results It, it would allow a great conversation for you to learn to know yourself and know your spouse so you can lead yourself well.
How might these insights that you learned from this impact your relational dynamics? You've heard us so many times say this a better me is, a better we. That's right. And so this is an opportunity to grow in that
Great.
James: So just like Alan Turing had to figure out how to de decode and decipher the German codes to, save the, I
Lisa: I love that little history lesson. Yeah. It's
James: for us in marriage to actually [00:25:00] be able to decode our spouse that understand what our spouses are saying so that we can. Have healthy communication and we hope this tool is helpful for you. If you actually found this content helpful, you can help us by sharing this episode with friends and family.
You may even be inclined to leave us a review, which we would absolutely love. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram at our espousing. And if you haven't signed up yet for the weekly practice, every Monday we send out a newsletter with a few, little tips and, tools that you can use in your marriage.
You can text the word a OS to 6, 6 8, 6 6. At
Lisa: At the end of the day, great communication isn't about getting it perfect. It's about being intentional. Learning to speak each other's language takes practice. But when we do, we build a deeper trust, connection, and unity in our marriage. So keep leaning in, keep learning, and keep growing together.
Until next time,
James: Bye-bye. [00:26:00]