Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

Celebrate our 250th episode with expert strategies that make tough conversations easier — and more meaningful.

Some of the most meaningful shifts in how we communicate come from the moments that challenge us the most. In this special 250th episode of Think Fast Talk Smart, Matt Abrahams reflects on the insights that have shown him how conflict can become a catalyst for clarity, connection, and even compassion.
From Amy Gallo’s reminder that the “right kind of conflict” leads to better outcomes to Jenn Wynn’s framework for calming our nervous system before stepping into a hard conversation and Julia Minson’s HEAR method for signaling genuine curiosity, each tool helps turn tension into understanding for every stage of conflict. And with Joseph Grenny’s guidance on noticing when our motives shift from problem-solving to winning, this episode highlights how self-awareness can reset even the toughest moments.
Whether you’re navigating workplace disagreements or everyday friction at home, this milestone episode offers practical ways to make difficult dialogue feel less daunting — and a real opportunity to communicate better.

Episode Reference Links:

Music from Blue Dot Sessions:

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Etude 12 Taminy
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Connect:

Timed Links:

Chapters:

  • (00:00) - Introduction
  • (03:27) - Why Conflict Is Necessary
  • (04:26) - Transforming Unproductive Conflict
  • (05:14) - Inner Experience of Difficult Conversations
  • (06:10) - Self-Awareness, Pause, Reframe
  • (08:17) - Four Questions For Understanding
  • (11:36) - Acting Curious vs. Feeling Curious
  • (13:52) - The HEAR Framework
  • (18:10) - Humility & Willingness To Be Wrong
  • (19:41) - Practice & Repetition
  • (21:08) - Acknowledging Motives
  • (22:22) - Two Questions to Reset Motives
  • (24:16) - Bringing the Frameworks Together
  • (25:42) - What Really Matters
  • (27:14) - Conclusion

********
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Creators and Guests

Host
Matt Abrahams
Lecturer Stanford University Graduate School of Business | Think Fast Talk Smart podcast host
Guest
Amy Gallo
Author, Podcaster, Contributing editor at Harvard Business Review
Guest
Jenn Wynn
Former Director of Education at the Obama Foundation | Professor | Leadership Coach
Guest
Joseph Grenny
Co-founder & Author
Guest
Julia Minson
Associate Professor of Public Policy at Harvard Kennedy School

What is Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques?

One of the most essential ingredients to success in business and life is effective communication.
Join Matt Abrahams, best-selling author and Strategic Communication lecturer at Stanford Graduate School of Business, as he interviews experts to provide actionable insights that help you communicate with clarity, confidence, and impact. From handling impromptu questions to crafting compelling messages, Matt explores practical strategies for real-world communication challenges.

Whether you’re navigating a high-stakes presentation, perfecting your email tone, or speaking off the cuff, Think Fast, Talk Smart equips you with the tools, techniques, and best practices to express yourself effectively in any situation. Enhance your communication skills to elevate your career and build stronger professional relationships.

Tune in every Tuesday for new episodes. Subscribe now to unlock your potential as a thoughtful, impactful communicator. Learn more and sign up for our eNewsletter at fastersmarter.io.

Matt Abrahams: The biggest fight my wife
and I have ever had was over toothpaste.

Picture this, my wife and I
are newly married and excited

to start our life together.

We spent a lot of time discussing
and coming to agreement on the

big things, having children in
the future, our political ideas,

where to spend the holidays.

So imagine my surprise when I was summoned
to the bathroom where my wife was angrily

holding our shared tube of toothpaste.

Her gaze immediately told me that
this was serious and I was in trouble.

You see, my wife's a roller and I'm a
squeezer, and nothing is more irritating

to a fastidious roller than a smashed
up randomly squeezed tube of toothpaste.

Welcome to Think Fast
Talk Smart, the podcast.

I'm Matt Abrahams, and I teach
strategic communication at Stanford

Graduate School of Business.

Today is a special day.

It's our 250th episode.

We've put together a very special
episode just for you, and it's

going to sound a little different.

You'll hear a few more voices, a
little more storytelling than usual,

plus some music and sound design too.

We're celebrating by digging into
the Think Fast Talk Smart archives.

We've compiled some of the best
expert advice on one of the hardest

things we face in life: conflict.

We face it at work, at home, and sometimes
even with friends and complete strangers.

It seems like the closer we get to
someone, the more conflict we face.

But here's the really
interesting thing about conflict.

Conflict isn't bad.

In fact, we need it.

Amy Gallo: While our natural human
instinct is to avoid conflict because

of course we are hardwired for
likability and we see conflict as a

potential rupture in our relationship.

Conflicts are not only inevitable
part of interacting with other

humans, but they're a necessary part.

Matt Abrahams: That was Amy Gallo.

She's the author of Getting Along: How to
Work with Anyone, Even Difficult People.

She also wrote the Harvard Business
Reviews Guide to Dealing With

Conflict and has been the co-host
of HBR's Women at Work Podcast.

Amy Gallo: There's lots of research that
shows that conflict leads to better work

outcomes, stronger relationships, and of
course, that depends on navigating the

conflict in a professional, productive,
relational way with compassion and caring.

But when done well, conflict has a whole
host of good outcomes, and I think we

actually should be spending more time, not
trying to eliminate conflict, but trying

to create the right kinds of conflict.

Matt Abrahams: So what are the right
kinds of conflict and how do we move

away from conflict that's destructive
to our relationships and toward

conflict that will make us closer.

Amy Gallo: The idea is not to eliminate
conflict, even if we feel like it's

unhealthy, but it's to try to transform
it into something more productive.

'Cause usually even at the base
of those unhealthy conflicts or

those unproductive conflicts is
something that needs to be resolved.

Matt Abrahams: Transforming, conflict
into a productive resolution.

Where can I get more of that?

We've talked a lot about difficult
conversations on Think Fast Talk Smart.

What was interesting as we went
through our past episodes to find the

best tips on dealing with conflict
is that they all had a common theme.

Resolving conflict is much less about
the other person and much more about us.

Jenn Wynn: What makes a conversation
difficult is much less the topic

and much more the inner experience
that each person is having.

What you're thinking and
feeling, but not saying out loud.

Matt Abrahams: That was Jenn
Wynn, an award-winning professor

and the former Director of
Education at the Obama Foundation.

Jen also hosts the podcast, The
H.I. Note: Healing Inspirations from

Life, where she has conversations
with people about some of the most

difficult moments of their lives.

Jenn Wynn: Your nervous system
goes with you into every

single difficult conversation.

So if you can pause and regulate
your nervous system, then you're

gonna be a better version of yourself
at the time when you most need to

be the best version of yourself.

And at the end of the day, the
goal is to move away from emotional

reactivity towards choice.

I wanna choose the better, more
strategic path, not the reaction that

came out of an emotional trigger.

Matt Abrahams: Sometimes I find
myself thinking about healthy

conflict as a house I'm building.

I tell myself, if I can just lay the
right foundation and choose the right

materials, I'll be set for life.

But conflict is less like building a
house and more like pitching a tent.

The more we use it, the easier it is to
remember exactly how we put it together.

The weather, or how level the ground is,
or how many rocks or trees we're working

around, all affect how successful we'll be
at securing a safe, comfortable campsite.

Just like surveying the ground and weather
is the first step for setting up our

campsite, tuning into how we're feeling
is the foundation for a healthy conflict.

Jenn Wynn: I tell my students, if
you only remember one framework from

this entire course, please remember
self-awareness, pause, reframe.

Matt Abrahams: Self-awareness,
pause, reframe.

Let's break that down.

First, self-awareness.

Jenn Wynn: Am I aware of my physical
cues, my cognitive and emotional

cues that let me know I'm triggered?

So for me, I get a lump in my throat
or like a tightness in my chest.

Some people get, uh,
butterflies in their stomach.

What's my tell sign, right?

And once I know that, the moment
I see it, I know I've gotta pause.

So a go-to pause technique for me is to
imagine myself with my best friend Carla.

Then I'm at ease.

I'm centered, and that is our goal,
that we lead these conversations

to a productive outcome, both
for the content, the matter at

hand, and for the relationship.

Matt Abrahams: Once we've had a chance
to survey the situation and notice

how we feel, and then pause and calm
down our nervous system, the final

step in this framework is to reframe.

Jenn Wynn: So that last step, reframe,
is where I actually shift away from

viewing this conversation as a threat
to something I care about and instead

perceiving it as a learning opportunity.

What good information
can I get out of this?

Matt Abrahams: Reframing the
conversation so that we can see it

as a learning opportunity makes a
huge difference in how we show up.

This is something Amy talked about too.

Amy Gallo: Conflict is
often seen as a threat.

When that happens, we become
naturally narcissistic and we become

focused on, what do I wanna say?

What do I wanna do?

We don't think about the other person.

Matt Abrahams: Thinking back to the
toothpaste conflict, it might have helped

me if I'd taken a moment to follow Jenn's
framework, self-awareness, pause, reframe.

Just that quick check-in probably
would've changed my stance going into

this challenging conversation and
made me more curious about how this

conflict might be a good opportunity
to get to know my wife better.

And it turns out curiosity is key
to any difficult conversation.

Amy Gallo: The very first step
is to think strategically, what's

going on with that other person?

What's motivating them?

What do they care about?

What would be a rational reason
that they're behaving this way?

And that's gonna give you some
cues as to how to navigate

this not so healthy conflict.

Put yourself in their shoes
just for a few minutes.

Matt Abrahams: What is it that my wife
really cares about when she asks me to

roll the toothpaste tube from the bottom
instead of squishing it like Play-Doh?

Maybe she's more motivated by
order and consistency than I am.

Maybe she's constantly having
to overlook annoying behaviors

from her colleagues at work.

And having one more irritation
at home in her safe space

just puts her over the edge.

Even if I'm wrong about my guesses,
just imagining where she's coming

from makes me more compassionate.

Amy Gallo: Then you wanna think about
what are we actually disagreeing about?

Are we disagreeing about status?

Who actually gets to make the call?

Really try to understand.

Matt Abrahams: For me, squeezing the
toothpaste tube isn't a big deal.

In fact, it makes me feel
powerful and it's fun.

But for her, it was a sign that
I wasn't really listening to her,

which made her feel disrespected.

The argument really wasn't
about toothpaste at all.

It was about listening and
communicating my respect for her.

Amy Gallo: Then the third step
is to think about your goal.

What is it that I
actually want to achieve?

You might be tempted to have a
short-term goal, like I just wanna

prove I'm right and he's wrong.

Not helpful, right?

What's your long-term goal?

What is it that you need to
get this project done on time?

Is it that you wanna preserve your
relationship with the other person?

Whatever it is, focus on that.

Matt Abrahams: When my wife called me
into the bathroom, I got defensive.

I started trying to prove what a
great husband I was, but focusing on

the short-term goal of winning that
argument made both of us losers.

A better goal, the real goal, once I
stopped to think about it, was to live

in harmony with my new wife and make
sure she knew how much I loved her.

I married her because she's my
favorite person in the world.

She makes me better.

When I think about it like that,
it seems ridiculous to let a tube

of toothpaste come between us.

Amy Gallo: And with that information,
what you know about the other person,

what you know you're disagreeing
about, what your goal is, you then

make a decision about how to proceed.

We often act rashly because we're
sort of activated from the conflict,

but you have to really be thoughtful.

Does it make sense to sit
down and talk this through?

Who else might need to be in the room?

Should I have a phone call?

Should I do a Zoom meeting?

Whatever it is, think through
what's the best way to set up

this conversation for success.

Matt Abrahams: There's one more
element we need to consider when we're

preparing for hard conversations,
one that we might not even be able

to see even after going through
Jenn's framework and Amy's questions.

Julia Minson: There's a lot of advice out
there, both in the academic literature

and in the practitioner literature,
that says to navigate disagreement

better, you need to be curious about
the other person's point of view.

Matt Abrahams: That's Julia Minson,
a professor of Public Policy at

Harvard Kennedy School of Government,
and a decision scientist who studies

the psychology of disagreement.

Julia Minson: The problem is people
think they're already doing it.

Matt Abrahams: We often think we're
being curious, but we don't show it.

Julia Minson: So a lot of the work
we've been doing as a consequence of

that research is saying, let's stop
telling people to feel curious and let's

start telling people to act curious.

Matt Abrahams: Julia told me
about a fascinating study where

participants had to start and end
their arguments with the words, I'd

like to learn about your perspective.

Julia Minson: We ask participants in a
study to make an argument on a topic,

and then we ask them to write a paragraph
about what their point of view is.

We then take that paragraph and
then we stick two sentences on the

beginning and two sentences on the end.

And the sentences say something
like, I understand this is a really

complicated topic and I would love
to understand your point of view.

And then their own paragraph
comes after that, right?

I believe blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And at the end we say, but I get that
some people might disagree and I would

like to learn about your perspective.

So we didn't change anything
about the person's argument.

We just slapped two sentences on
the beginning, on the end that use

very simple language to say, I want
to learn about your perspective.

And what we find is massive effects
on how reasonable and thoughtful

and pleasant the original speaker is
relative to their own words, which was

the same exact argument, just without
this expression of willingness to

learn, on the beginning and on the end.

Matt Abrahams: In other words, just
saying the words, I'd like to learn about

your perspective, makes a difference.

But what about the part in
between where we actually need

to have that hard conversation?

Julia Minson: We use a
framework that we call HEAR.

So H-E-A-R.

Hedging, emphasizing agreement,
acknowledging the opposing view,

and reframing to the positive.

The H in HEAR stands for hedging, so it's
words like sometimes, occasionally, some

people, words that introduce uncertainty.

Matt Abrahams: With the toothpaste
incident, I might have hedged by saying

something like, sometimes I forget
how important order is to you, and I'm

guessing there have been many times when
you've forgiven me for my messiness.

Julia Minson: The E stands for emphasizing
agreement, and the idea here is that

even if we disagree dramatically
about the thing we're discussing,

there are some things we agree on.

Matt Abrahams: I might have said
something like, I know it's important

for both of us that our house feels
like a place where we can rest and feel

at home, and that neither of us wants
to nag each other over little things.

Julia Minson: The A for acknowledgement
is using your own words to show that

you have heard the other person.

And I like to make a little bit
of a disclaimer around the A,

because there's a good way to do
it and there's a bad way to do it.

The bad way is to say, I hear you, and
then you move on to making your own point.

The good way is that you have
to demonstrate what you heard.

Matt Abrahams: It's easy to say, I
hear you when you ask me to roll the

toothpaste instead of squeeze it.

But demonstrating I heard my wife's
request requires me to get deeper,

to what's really bothering her.

What I finally came up with was
this, when you asked me to roll

the toothpaste, I hear you asking
me to do something small that will

make you feel heard and respected.

Julia Minson: And then the R in HEAR
stands for reframing to the positive.

So instead of saying, I completely
disagree that blah, blah, blah, you

could say, I think blah, blah, blah.

You can make the same exact point
in the positive frame instead of

the negative frame, so it doesn't
spiral into negativity as quickly.

So H-E-A-R.

Hedging, emphasizing agreement,
acknowledging the opposing view,

and reframing to the positive.

Matt Abrahams: So we've got
Jenn's framework to help us check

in with ourselves once we're
aware that conflict is coming.

Self-assessment, pause, and reframe.

Amy's four questions help us to
shift the focus off of us and get

curious about the other person.

One, what's a rational reason this
person might be acting this way?

Two, what are we really disagreeing about?

Three, what's the goal
of this conversation?

Four, what's the best way to proceed?

Then we can use Julia's HEAR framework to
help us actually have the conversation.

Thinking about these three tools
together makes me wanna shift metaphors.

It's got me thinking about conflict,
not as a tent, but as a stone.

When you drop a pebble in the
water, waves ripple out in circles.

The first circle is
checking in with ourselves.

The next ripple out is thinking
about the other person and

where they're coming from.

Then we can use HEAR to navigate the
third ripple, the actual conversation.

There's another ripple that came
out in our conversation and it's

one that might surprise you.

Julia Minson: The willingness to
come across as little foolish.

Jenn Wynn: A real humble attempt to
say, this is my summary of what I think

you experienced, but is that right?

Fix what I'm missing.

Is it half right?

And I missed the other half.

Matt Abrahams: Paraphrasing what
we think we heard the other person

say, and having the humility to
admit we might have gotten it wrong.

Julia Minson: You know, showing
vulnerability or saying, I'm sorry,

that's not what I meant to say.

Let me try again.

Amy Gallo: Saying I don't know what
the best answer is, and this is

why I'm doing what I'm doing, and
I'm a real person who's struggling.

Julia Minson: Giving yourself
the chance to admit imperfection,

so you can do better.

Jenn Wynn: Once we can paraphrase,
this is a skill that, honestly, I think

it's like punching above its weight.

After I've taken all this time to really
ask these open, thoughtful questions,

get curious, understand your perspective,
make sure you show the person that

you are internalizing what they said.

Matt Abrahams: Thinking back to the
toothpaste incident again, I could have

said something like, I really wanna
understand where you're coming from.

It seems like I'm not doing a good
enough job showing you that I'm listening

to you and making you feel respected.

Is that right?

Or is there something I'm
still not understanding?

I really want to understand your
perspective because the last thing I

want to do is to have you feel like
I'm not listening or respecting you.

We might be tempted at this point to
rush into a difficult conversation

now that we've done all of our great
self-reflection, and thought through

our goals and how to achieve them.

But there's one last ripple,
a step we often skip that

can make all the difference.

Jenn Wynn: Practice.

At the end of the day, the
goal is not perfection.

It doesn't exist.

The goal is continual improvement.

I wanna keep getting better and better.

And so the way to do that, of course, like
any muscle building activity is practice.

And as we continue to have more and
more repetition, right, as we build

in the reps, we're not only gonna
build the muscle, which feels good.

But then it's gonna be ready for
us to flex when the moment counts.

When we're in the most consequential
conversation, we will have already

built up those great question asking
muscles, those great paraphrasing

muscles, those great intention stating
muscles and so on and so forth.

So, practice, practice, practice,
and make it a little more

challenging each time along the way.

Matt Abrahams: Listening back to these
conversations with Amy, Jenn, and

Julia, I'm struck by how much focus
there is on what happens before the

difficult conversation even starts.

But what if we do all that and then we
get into the actual conversation and

it doesn't go the way we were hoping?

Joseph Grenny: What's difficult in
crucial conversations is oftentimes our

motives shift to debating or defending
without us even being aware of it.

Matt Abrahams: That's Joseph Grenny, a
renowned speaker and bestselling author.

His work focuses on how individuals and
organizations can improve communication,

influence, behavior, and drive change.

Joseph Grenny: People will tell
you, you're being defensive.

No, I'm not being defensive.

It looks like to them
you're being defensive.

I came in with a motive of
problem solving, but pretty

soon I got ego invested and
oftentimes we're not self-aware

that that has actually occurred.

Matt Abrahams: This one hit home for me.

In my conversation with my wife, I was
already feeling criticized and defensive,

and then my ego took over because I
wanted to prove that squeezing toothpaste

didn't make me lazy or inconsiderate.

But there's good news here.

If we can notice that our motives
have shifted and we just want

to win the argument, we have an
opportunity to shift the conversation.

Joseph Grenny: People who are
really good at these moments

learned to look for signals.

Sometimes it's just
something I feel in my body.

I've come to know that when my jaws
are tight and when my shoulders are

clenched and I'm leaning forward
and I'm talking faster, that's

a sign my motives have shifted.

I no longer want what I originally wanted.

I now want something else.

I wanna punish, I want to
win, I want to be right.

The two most potent ways of
shifting back, of getting to

dialogue, are asking two questions.

First, what am I acting like I want.

You can do this covertly.

This can be an internal dialogue.

And I gotta tell you, Matt, at
least for me, it's an ego enema.

When in that moment I acknowledge to
myself, no, this is about punishing.

You said something I didn't like,
I'm feeling hurt, and that that

was unjust, and I'm actually
trying to hurt you right now.

Just acknowledging that to myself
makes me not want it anymore.

Because most of us don't like the
dissonance of thinking of ourselves

as a decent human being, but then
acknowledging that we've got motives

that are not particularly pretty.

Matt Abrahams: Once we've asked ourselves
what we're acting like we want, the second

question is to ask, what do I really want?

Joseph Grenny: What do
I really want for me?

What do I really want for you, Matt?

What do I really want
for the relationship?

What happens is the short term impulsive
motives that often possess us in these

moments, we start to be liberated of
those and asking the really want question

orients us towards longer term goals,
some of the deeper interests that we have.

Just acknowledging that
to myself shifts my mode.

My behavior starts to change.

When your motive changes
behavior follows naturally.

And we tend to talk more patiently, more
respectfully, more openly towards others.

So even without a lot of training in
crucial conversation skills, just getting

your motive back on track can make an
enormous difference in how you show up.

Matt Abrahams: Let's bring it
all together one last time.

First, use self-awareness, pause,
reframe to check in with ourselves.

If the conflict is the pebble we
throw in the water, checking in

with ourselves is the first ripple.

The next ripple is to get curious
about the other person and

ask ourselves four questions.

What's a rational reason this
person might be acting this way?

What are we really disagreeing about?

What's the goal of this conversation?

And what's the best way to proceed?

The third ripple is to practice the
conversation by using HEAR, H-E-A-R.

Hedging, emphasizing agreement,
acknowledgement, and reframing

towards the positive.

If you don't have someone to practice
with, try recording your conversation

in a voice memo on your phone.

You can even feed it into your favorite
AI tool to anticipate how the other

person might respond, and then practice
using the tools in this episode to

paraphrase what they've said and make
sure they feel heard and understood.

Finally, if we're in a difficult
conversation and it's not going well, stop

to notice how we're feeling in our bodies.

Then ask, what am I acting like I want?

Revenge?

Making the other person feel bad?

Once we've gotten that ego enema,
we're in a much better place

to ask, what do I really want?

And remind ourselves of the importance of
the relationship and what really matters.

Jenn Wynn: Often when we don't
have the conversation, it's because

we assume it will go poorly.

So we give up before we've even started.

But here's the thing.

Most things that we want in
life are on the other side

of a difficult conversation.

So are you just going to give up on your
biggest dreams in life because you weren't

willing to take the time to step outta
your comfort zone and practice a skill?

Communication is a set of skills,
learnable, growable skills.

And difficult communication is a
set of hard, but worth it, skills.

Joseph Grenny: The world will get better
to the degree we start seeing more

examples of people that have learned
to say the truth and to say it in a

way that is inclusive and is inviting.

You don't just get
better at it by accident.

And the really important thing for
people to understand during crucial

conversations is the emotion you feel
is far more subject to your control

and influence than you realize.

Matt Abrahams: Eventually, my wife and
I did have that difficult conversation,

not just about toothpaste, but about how
I could communicate more clearly with

her that I respect her and show her I'm
listening when she asks for something.

To this day, we have two tubes
of toothpaste in our bathroom.

One neatly rolled in, one
aggressively squeezed.

As an epilogue, there was a time
when my younger son got upset with my

wife and having heard this story many
times about our toothpaste troubles,

he ran into the bathroom and squeezed
her toothpaste just to make a point.

Thank you for joining us for
this 250th episode of Think

Fast Talk Smart, the podcast.

To hear more episodes about
conflict and navigating difficult

conversations, check out our show notes.

This episode was produced by
Laura Joyce Davis, Katherine

Reed, and me, Matt Abrahams.

Our theme music is from Floyd Wonder.

Additional music from this episode
came from Blue Dot Sessions and

is listed in our show notes.

With special thanks to
Podium Podcast Company.

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