Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Art of Spousing is for marriages that what to move from being mundane to becoming masterpiece relationships. Hosts James and Lisa Duvall share truths and lessons learned from their 30 years of marriage and over a decade of teaching, coaching, and speaking on marriage.
Lisa: [00:00:00] Hey friends. Welcome back to the Artist Espousing podcast. As James and I prepare for each podcast, we get pretty passionate about tooling, our listeners, you couples to thrive in your marriage. I use the word thrive. We use it often, James, because I am beginning to feel, it falls flat to what I envision for our marriage and what I envision and we envision for the marriages that are listening.
So let me unpack what thrive is in marriage. Okay? So you navigate the tension in life with greater ease. Yeah.
Conflict doesn't scare you. You know, it's a place of growth and deepening your relationship. So you'd actually embrace conflict and see it as an opportunity, right? You actually think during the day, I cannot wait to get home. Love my kids. Get them to bed so that we can be together. That's right. And last but not least, you both are not [00:01:00] satisfied with status quo you both desire growth. Small areas of married life that make a massive difference. That to me is what thriving is like. That's awesome.
James: awesome. Yeah.
Lisa: That's the vision for you guys listening. And James, that's the vision for me. And every day, usually, what do I say when I'm not with you for like an hour?
James: You miss me?
Lisa: I know, I do. I'm like, I miss you. And you're like, I just was in the other room. But that's, yeah, that's thriving.
James: I love it. So today we're tackling the serious business of not being so serious all the time. And when we think about the marriages that inspire us, we think of those couples who know how to laugh together.
Mm-hmm. We have made this connection around the ability to laugh together by using humor in a healthy way. And it directly impacts the amount of joy and happiness we experience in our daily lives, no matter what's going on around us, right? And it levels the tensions that rise up between us. And the bonus benefit here is that as couples, you are more attractive to quality pro-marriage friends.
Not to mention [00:02:00] if you have a house of kids, It showcases marriage as fun.
Lisa: Yes. I, there's not one couple that's grumpy and talks bad about each other that we just wanna hang out with. We wanna hang out with people that love laughing together.
Bottom line is we absolutely believe humor is essential to a thriving marriage. And a key word that you mentioned earlier, James, is healthy humor,
James: That's right.
Lisa: of it's, we can give attention to humor in our marriage, communication in a true artist espousing style. We will talk about what science says about humor in marriage and then give some practical ways to increase some love and laughter in your crazy world.
James: and Lisa, I'm sure that you would agree with me, that we've mastered at this stage in our marriage, the art of humor.
Lisa: Yes. We have learned how to bring levity to life. When it becomes a bit heavy, we are skilled with the callbacks. Right. And bringing back an old memory that reminds us that we have loads of funny memories together and really important part of humor in any relationship is to know when not to try to be funny because it just [00:03:00] isn't funny.
James: Right?
Lisa: I'm not sure that we've mastered it. We always have more room to grow. But you personally have mastered the art of being funny is a bit ironic, right? Because you, Mr. Duval, tend to think you're funnier than you actually are. Sorry. Um,
James: Um, I'm not sure what you mean by that. I actually am funny and my dad jokes alone should be in the Hall of Fame somewhere.
Lisa: Um, more like the Hall of Groans. Come on.
James: That's hurtful, but also well played.
Lisa: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So thank you for acknowledging the well played moment there. But really humor is one of those things that can either bring couples closer or drive them apart depending on how it's used.
And today we're gonna talk about why laughter is so important in marriage, How it can deepen your connection and most importantly, how to actually increase the fun factor in your relationship.
James: The truth is you don't have to be a standup comedian or married to one like me
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
James: to do it, right?
So whether you've been married for 20 years or just 20 days, this is for you. Hey, if you're [00:04:00] listening to this and thinking, wow, we could really use a reset in our marriage, then we've got something just for you.
Lisa: It's called a marriage reboot. It's a three month coaching process with James and I designed to help couples move from surviving to thriving. And all of that really means it starts with a private two day intensive where we help you gain clarity on where you are, where you want, go together, and we build a purpose-driven roadmap to get you there.
James: but the transformation doesn't stop there. over the next three months, we walk with you through intentional coaching sessions to help you implement what you've learned.
Navigate challenges and build lasting habits that strengthen your marriage.
Lisa: Whether your marriage is in crisis, feeling stuck or simply, you just need a fresh vision. A marriage reboot is designed to bring clarity, connection, and renewal. if you're ready to stop living by default and start living by design, visit art espousing slash coaching to learn more.
you can also schedule a 30 minute call. The link is in the show notes with James and I to learn more about the marriage reboot.
[00:05:00]
James: So let's get into it. The first thing we want to share is that humor connects us and breaks tension. You know, laughter can actually bond us, and science backs us up when we laugh together. Our brains release oxytocin, which is that same love hormone that we get from hugging or holding hands. It's the same love hormone that Lisa was released when we were dating as a couple, and we were pursuing and desiring each other.
Lisa: We couldn't see anything wrong with one
James: Right. We talk about this in the season, it makes you blind to one another's shortcomings, but it's still helpful in all seasons of married life. So humor isn't just about having fun. It's literally rewiring our connection. You know, laughter also lowers cortisol, which is the stress hormone. Lisa, when you mentioned, uh, we use humor to bring levity, That is exactly what scientifically is happening,
Lisa: right?
James: So if you and your spouse are feeling tension, laughter is like a reset button. It brings down stress levels, lightens the mood, [00:06:00] and helps you approach challenges as teammates instead of opponents.
Lisa: Right. there's actually a study from the University of North Carolina that found couples who laugh together, experience higher relationship satisfaction.
And it's not just about laughing at something. It's about creating those moments of shared joy. Laughter has been a key in our marriage on many levels for several reasons.
Lighthearted connections or callbacks allow us to neutralize a stressful season or a situation in life, right? This past year, we've been walking through one of the toughest seasons of life as we were caring for my mom to the end of her life, right?
And laughter has relieved tension and intentionality. It has brought joy in our relationship. It laughter is known to have an impact on our disposition and we can actually change the environment and set one of joy, and that's how we've done that over the last
James: Yeah, there have been some really funny moments and memories from when your mom was living with us that continually bring joy and laughter to us and have created [00:07:00] countless callbacks for us.
Like, you know, when we're trying to find something in the kitchen and we say something like, it looks like Nancy unloaded a dishwasher again because she loved unloading the dishwashers. But she didn't know where anything went and so she would put forks up with, with our canned goods or, you know, uh, pots in the places where our, you know, cups and, you know, glasses went and so you never knew where anything was.
Lisa: That's right. It's true. There have been a lot of fun memories of her living with us, and I often would say. Around some of life's toughest challenges like that of navigating with a mom with dementia, if we don't laugh, we're gonna cry.
That's right. And personally, I'd just rather laugh. So discovering the humor in a situation keeps us from being so overwhelmed. And honestly, it encourages gratefulness in the present moment and kind of grounds us in the present moment. So when humor is used correctly, it helps us reset or eliminate tension in an argument situation, our particularly [00:08:00] challenging season of life.
James: I love what Proverbs 1722 says. It says A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones, so if your marriage feels a little dry. Maybe laughter is a medicine it needs, right? Not everyone has the same humor style.
Some people love sarcasm. Others cough, cough, Lisa Love quick witted, comebacks and some like me have a very refined appreciation for high quality Dad jokes,
Lisa: Did you say retired? No, I said refined. Oh, our soon to be daughter in love. Amanda really thinks you are the funniest person with your dad jokes. And actually, I have to be honest, I look forward to your corny dad joke, connection to what's being said.
you are growing against skill, but I actually love watching her laugh at you too.
James: I'll claim that you said I'm growing and claiming skill, but I do love Amanda and she gets me. Right? Yeah. And I'm appreciative of your growing appreciation of my humor.
Lisa: That's right. It's true.
If your spouse doesn't laugh [00:09:00] at your jokes, like I don't laugh at James sometimes, right?
It doesn't mean they don't have a sense of humor. It just means they appreciate a different type of humor and it's important to grow in appreciation for each other's humor styles like I'm trying to learn and grow in yours. and again, I do think you're pretty funny and the truth is I actually try to build onto your corny dad jokes and take it a little further, which I think I'm, I I'm skilled at that, that quick wittedness of mine.
James: Yeah, you, your humor is like you love the poke fun at, right? Yes. And so one of the legendary moments, is you like the poke fun at my handyman skills, or lack of handyman skills. And, the family has this infamous, story about me, the floating shelf. Incident that brings laughter to the family and, you know, basically not change.
Well, basically I, you know, we had just redone all the walls in our house, fresh paint. And
Lisa: should mention also is they did this thing with our drywall and they floated our drywall so that it actually took away all, it was [00:10:00] perfect. It was perfect. It was perfect.
James: And so I thought it was a perfect time to set up our library with bookshelves to put all my books I read on it,
Lisa: to be honest, I asked for floating
James: You did ask for floating shelves. I just should have had somebody do it because I thought I could just go to the hardware store and buy wood and, but I spent like eight hours perfectly lining up, drilling
Lisa: the first
James: holes. The first shelf, the first shelf, lining up, drilling holes, putting the holders on the wall.
And I was about ready to put the first shelf on and it was just off just a bit. And so I thought if I just put a little pressure on it. It would slide right into these holes. I drew into the shelves, so I tapped on it a bit didn't go in, and so I thought if I put a little bit more pressure on it, it's obviously gonna fit.
And so I took my foot and kind of
Lisa: in that moment I was watching, I was like, this is not good.
James: not going well, is it? It's not going well. And so I just put a little pressure with my foot and next thing you know,
Lisa: they slid on.
James: they slid on. Yeah, they slid on. But there were also massive holes in our freshly.
[00:11:00] floated painted walls and,
Lisa: so they let, let's just put some little, um, visuals to this.
So you really did spend a long time at eight hours and it said that it was painstaking, it was hard to watch. And then that the holes literally were the size of a, a softball. Yeah, they were, they were massive. So four massive holes in our drywall that just snapped So at that moment you left the room.
I
James: I just walked away.
Lisa: Yeah. And you literally didn't say anything to the next day. But the the kicker is, is that our son, Parker had stopped by the house and he walks in and he actually knew before he even got to see the holes in the drywall. He's like, is that okay? And I'm like, don't say a word.
James: Right. So you like the poke fun and, but. You have to know when to bring it back up. Now. Now it's funny because you can, you know, I say, Hey, I'm gonna, I'm gonna build something or I'm gonna do this project. And you can kind of go, Hey, you remember those floating shelves? And we can laugh about it, [00:12:00] but the timing of humor, we'll get into in a minute.
It's really critical because, if you bring it up too soon, it can be a little
Lisa: painful. I have to tell you that, this last season, I've been a little bit tearful with my mom and I was with Addie in the car. Mm-hmm. And she saw that I was about to cry and she's like, floating shelves. Floating shelves. So we just started laughing and it brought me, yeah,
James: glad I can be the source of your joy.
Okay. But let's unpack some actual other humor styles because we talked a little bit about how humor works, uh, and we're gonna talk a little bit more about that. But from time to time. We all use different humor styles and find ourselves actually more dominant in one than the other. So
Lisa: Kind of like with any kind of personalities, like voices or anything.
James: exactly. studies actually categorize humor into different styles. And so on the pack, four of them, two of them are pretty healthy, two of them can be unhealthy. Right? So the first one is called Affiliative Humor. This is playful, lighthearted, joking that actually strengthens relationships.
Affiliative is all about the [00:13:00] formation of social and emotional bonds with others, or the desire to create such bonds. So what it looks like is it could be spontaneous joke telling or witty banter, enjoyable, laughing with others and, telling stories to make others laugh.
So when we tell the story about the floating shelves, or I tell the story about, you know, trapping a raccoon in their backyard, which is for a whole nother podcast. It's just fun, social building, right? Yeah. Affiliate humor also is associated with increased levels of self-esteem, psychological wellbeing, emotional stability, and social intimacy.
So it's a very positive form of helping tell about yourself and the humorous way or, reliving stories together through affiliated
Lisa: You feel connected. Yeah, that's right. So the second is self enhancing humor. Finding humor in your own life, especially in stressful situations. So what that looks like is you're amused by the absurdities of life, like people driving crazy. Instead of getting irritated, you're just like, well, they got really far, they made it to the light.[00:14:00]
Yeah. Two seconds before me. So just the absurdities in life and the ability to use humor in a way of just coping with life or regulating emotions. So basically we use humor to look on the bright side of life in a bad situation, finding the silver lining or maintaining a positive attitude, even in trying times.
And sometimes in those moments when I do that, I'm just going, it's not that big of a deal, right? Just laugh at it. the more we engage in this self enhancing humor style, it allows us to relate to one another and increase optimism together and it decreases the level of depression and anxiety.
Mm-hmm. I love that we have the power to do that. So the first two styles we wanna grow in because they bring about a connection and an ease of life.
They have a lot of positive results, right? The next two that we're gonna talk about can actually be a bit dangerous. Honestly, if your marriage is struggling in any way, or your communication is in a season that it isn't going well, right? These next two you do not want to use.
Sometimes they can be fun [00:15:00] and we use them, but you need to be careful about them.
James: Yeah. Before we jump to the next two, I, I wanna mention just about the idea of self en, um, enhancing humor. Is that. When we work with couples, one of the tools that we talk about are checkpoints, right? Something that you could use to change the, the temperature in the situation.
And self enhancing humor is a great way to create a checkpoint. If there's, a situational tension that happens that's outside your control, so like, you know. it could be a callback, like, we've said this on the podcast before, is that you are, you always go to the worst case scenario on anything.
Like, if you know somebody is in an accident, they're gonna lose their legs, or if somebody gets sick, they're gonna lose their legs. If somebody. Burns themselves on the stove, the end up getting their legs, getting infected, lose their legs. So, you know, so one of the things that we could always say is like, when something's tense, like a call, like a callback or a checkpoint in this situation would be, I could say, well, at least we didn't lose our legs.
That's right. [00:16:00] Right. And it brings levity to a, a, a tense situation in its self enhancing humor, finding just some joy in the callback there.
Lisa: especially because I often go to the, in the worst case scenario, and it's a way for you to help me kind of get a grip on reality.
And you've, I've given you permission to do that. Right. And so we know that's a place of going. Okay. Lisa, settle down and I've actually lose used it on you because you can also, get pretty extreme in things that are
James: That's right. That's right. Okay. So the third type of humor, and again, these are types of humor that we need to be careful about, right, is aggressive humor. This is sarcasm or teasing, which can be fun, but also risky. A marriage. this style of humor is potentially detrimental towards others. it's humor is characterized by the use of of put downs, criticism, ridicule, and other types of humor used at the expense of others.
Lisa: When you line it out like that, that doesn't sound like it would ever be appropriate in any situation. No,
James: doesn't. Aggressive humor often, disregards the impact it might have on others. And [00:17:00] the, the result of this type of humor at times seems like playful, fun, but sometimes the underlying intent is to harm or belittle others.
So aggressive humor is, uh, related, the higher levels of anxiety. Worry, frustration, fear, and lower levels of warmth, kindness, and sympathy. it actually decreases intimacy instead of building intimacy, you know, the shelf.
Story is funny. Unless you're using it as sarcasm or to, to make a point,
Lisa: that you're not good Exactly. To tear you down. Like you're not, you're not great at fixing things.
Yeah, exactly. So I tend to use this type of humor in our, our relationship, and I do feel like I am pretty good at doing this, however. When we do this in front of other people, it impacts them differently than, than the way. So it actually doesn't represent our marriage very well, even if, even if we know that we're okay with it.
And we learned this recently when our daughter, Addie was home for a break and she had a friend over, I had actually text her and said, Hey, do you mind turning the coffee pot on because I [00:18:00] want a cup of coffee when I come in. Well, you must have heard that conversation. I don't know. But I walk in the door,
James: like, make me a coffee.
Lisa: And Hadie was like, uh. Please make me a coffee. So we realized that it impacted her and possibly her friend like that. You're some sexist male chauvinist man who's like, woman. Gimme some coffee. Gimme a coffee. Which we are actually, I, I know when you do that. Because we're in this playful spirit that it's fun.
It's like sometimes I will do the same for you. It's like you're the man. You take out the trash. You know? It's like we do these kind of, um, jabs at one another, but we know that we're okay with it. So even being careful of when we use this type of humor that we're mindful of who's in earshot because they may not actually get it and it may not represent us well.
James: Right. And when we do public speaking, part of our stick is you'll sometimes use more aggressive humor, but we do it very, safely. 'cause you know that you're not gonna pull something out that's [00:19:00] hurtful to me.
Lisa: Right.
James: But, things that we are a. Tease each other about in a,
Lisa: Right. It wouldn't be your first hearing that I would say that, and I would already know what sensitivities are there and, right.
Yeah. You never want to target something that you're trying to drive a point, like what we were talking about earlier and or insecurity.
James: Yeah. A couple thoughts that came to mind. I hear, you know, we've been talking a lot about. voices. Mm-hmm. And, in one, one of the episodes we talked about weapon systems and voices.
And one of my weapon systems, actually my weapon system is, you know, I can assassinate people with sarcastic critique and, and so if I'm not careful, I can actually try to be funny, but actually I'm trying to make a point. And so un even understanding our voices and humor. It is good to know how we can sometimes use, use it aggressively to actually hurt people.
And I was also thinking about, a couple that we've recently done some coaching with. And
Lisa: listening, you know who you are. We told you you were gonna do this. We
James: you we were gonna use this illustration. We love this couple. They're amazing. But they had gotten to a really bad [00:20:00] habit, uh, early on in their marriage. They use sarcasm as aggressive humor.
Aggressive humor as part of their relationship.
Lisa: the all of it, every single.
James: But there came a point where it, moved from just fun-loving play humor to actually getting to try to make a point. And so their communication all centered around, sarcasm and ridicule and critique and. it no longer became fun.
It became hurtful and again, began to, deteriorate their intimacy instead of building it up.
Lisa: Well, it's interesting because, they have adult children and their adult kids were seeing this and just have grown That Christmas, Thanksgiving or any event is going to be mom tearing down dad and dad, uh, coming back with some kind of, humor that was, defeating and belittling to her.
Right. when we were coaching them at the end of their, our reboot with them we're like, you cannot use sarcastic humor. No aggressive humor.
James: Mm-hmm. Zero right
Lisa: Until your communication gets better. Right. So [00:21:00] it's like completely off limits. And literally they have had a hard time not saying anything 'cause it's just what their communication was full of.
James: But, but they've begin to remove aggressive humor from their dialogue.
They're actually beginning to see, a, a greater closeness and intimacy in their relationship
Lisa: can come back. Um, 'cause they really are great at
James: Yeah, they're really good at
Lisa: Yeah. But they, it
James: they're really funny.
Lisa: They are funny. But,
James: Okay. So then the fourth type of humor that we just want to hit on here is self-defeating humor.
And again, this can be. A dangerous, type of humor to use if, if it's not done well, it's making yourself the punchline, which can be endearing or damaging depending on how it's used. So it looks like maybe self disparaging remarks, in which laughter is often at your own expense. Self-defeating humor can often come in the form of pleasing others by being the butt of the joke, right?
the result of it, it's never positive. It's associated with lower levels of self-esteem and intimacy, and it increases the invitation for others to pick on you.
Lisa: when you make fun of yourself, you're actually giving permission for [00:22:00] someone else to say something. But when they do it, then you're mad that they do it. Right. Well, you've been doing it, so it's, it actually sets you up to be targeted around that issue.
James: right now, I'll use this humor sometimes when I'm speaking or like when I'm doing a similar or something. 'cause I always have some things that I'll say about myself are self, deprecating humor. But like, one of the things I always say is that, you know.
I've had, several jobs in life, but the only job I've ever been fired from, was a construction company. Right. Because I'm terrible again with the floating shelves. I can't build anything. but I always come back and say that, you know, the next day my mom made my dad rehire me. So, 'cause she part
Lisa: yeah. Which, that says a lot. That says a lot right there too. Right.
James: But I, you know, when I say that I've given permission for others to kind of poke fun at that But. I wouldn't say that in a way, just to put myself down. I'm saying it in a way the kind of build rapport with people and we can use it that way, but if we're not careful, it can actually be very damaging especially if we don't have real high self regard for ourselves or maybe a low self-esteem, we can use it.
and it can be more damaging.
Lisa: right. And even with that, there are certain [00:23:00] times that even though that is true, you are actually amazing at a lot of other things.
Your technical ability and your strategic mind is great, but the building is isn't your gifting. So, but there are times, even though you've given me permission, the sensitivity to that of not. Again, back to timing, which we'll talk a little bit more about. Right. I actually openly talk about my technology issues.
That's right. I mean, at work it, they, when I call them, they're like, hello, number one. Right. And that's the, I'm the number one problem. And I had a running list on my whiteboard mm-hmm. Of all the things that per said when someone would come work on my computer and I had like 20 or 30 phrases, but the most popular one was, I've never seen this before.
So I do poke fun at that. So sometimes when the kids will come in and an app isn't working on their own phone, they're like, is mom near right? Because she brings about this energy that shuts down all technology. actually at. The grocery store computers won't work. I mean, it, it is a common problem with me and I'm like, I'm, I'm familiar with this, but, but I'm poking fun at myself, and I actually, by doing so, I'm letting you [00:24:00] know.
And others know that they can also poke fun at me with that. it would not be good if I poked fun at myself on something that I'm really insecure about, because someone could come back, a spouse could come back, and then it can start. This ball of
James: that Right. Just
Lisa: hurt and argument that we don't wanna
James: Right. Some places that maybe people might, poke fun at themselves that are actually insecure are like things like weight.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
James: any kind of, you
Lisa: lack of discipline.
James: of discipline, you know, those type things are, are areas that maybe they're making themselves the but of the joke, but it's actually more damaging than
Lisa: Yeah. And I think there are times that I may do that, and I would say to you, you know what, that's probably not an area you can come back to me and joke about. Mm-hmm. So it's, it's letting and Communicating what it is that is okay and giving permission to, right.
But you can see how studies have shown that this type of joking has the potential to open the door or actually kick it wide open to being bullied or victimized. And so in a marriage relationship, obviously that is not healthy. Right. So it's [00:25:00] all about knowing yourself to lead yourself. Exactly. Know your humor style and what impact it has on your marriage and your spouse, and learning what makes your spouse laugh and learning what maybe doesn't make your, spouse laugh, especially in the area of these, humor styles of three and four.
James: That's right. So one of my favorite things in marriage is having inside jokes. Things that only we get or only we know, like this is what I do. Story Yes. we call them callbacks, but they're stories that we know that we can say certain things and,
Lisa: all.
So tell, tell the story about me.
James: Well, you know, you like to consider yourself, Southern Cook and, and you're, you're actually really good. Like,
you know, Southern,
Lisa: look how you're setting this up.
James: I didn't realize this when I first married you, that like Southern, most southern people don't like, have recipes. They just kind of do stuff, right? And so you tell the rest of
Lisa: story. Okay. So I do think of myself as a southern cook and in my experience, Southern Cooks. They don't have recipes, they just know them. Right. [00:26:00] So, um, again, in the, in the south, we have just a few variations of like, you have a meat, some type of protein that you cook to death.
Mm-hmm. You have a vegetable that you also cook to death,
James: Green beans, actually term brown.
They're
Lisa: Yeah. And you add bacon grease to them. So there's, there's not a lot. then you have the poor man's dessert. There's two of them Right. That I make that you don't have a recipe for. You just know how to make them.
Right. So, This process on many occasions has served us well in actually resourcing the food that we have in a, cupboard, right? But it also has been, the butt of some serious jokes in my life that are a callback. So, it was this moment we were seasoning some meat and I grabbed this cilantro salt out and I'm like, I'm just gonna salt.
And you're like, whoa, that's, that's a lot of salt. And I'm like, I'm like, put my hand up. Like my palm to you and I was like, Hey, this is what I do. This is what I do.
James: Hey, this is what I do. And I'm like, okay,
Lisa: that's a little bit, this is
James: you do, that's a lot of salt.
Lisa: is a lot. And the, it was
James: and [00:27:00] we had company,
Lisa: It was horrible.
James: It was so salty,
Lisa: It was so, it was really bad. So, and
James: and I just said, this is what she does.
Lisa: is what I do. So that has the, this is what I do comes up in, in all kinds of areas, in regard to me and I, I am actually down with it 'cause I think it is pretty funny. But here's the deal.
Science backs this up. Couples who share these type of inside jokes and playfulness report a higher relationship satisfaction. So we actually have to be okay. I have to be okay to be poked fun of a little bit. I can't be sensitive.
James: It just hit me that you did that early on in our marriage too. when we first got married, we, we had very little money. Do you remember this? And we, uh, actually I was, we were, I was working at a small little church and they gave us a little apartment to live in.
Oh yeah. And we had about $25 a week for groceries. No,
Lisa: honestly, you, Marion a redneck really saved you because we're resourceful people until this
James: But I remember, uh, we went to the grocery store and we had a little bit of money left over and. You're like, why should we do with this money? I was like, oh, you know what?
My [00:28:00] mom used to make kasa all the
Lisa: and just so you know, I didn't even know what Kasa, I thought it was kil. K Baa Kisa. And
James: It may be called kielbasa. I call it Kasa. But, so we bought this Kasa and one day on a Sunday, you came down later, the church eyes are down there, and I said, you know what? Today would be a great day to make that kasa.
And you're, you're like. I got this. I've already,
Lisa: is what I do.
James: what I do.
Lisa: I've
James: I've already taken care of it. I was like, you what? She goes, yeah, I put it in the oven before I left. I'm like, you know, it's already cooked. You just have to heat it up. She goes, oh. She goes, I thought it was just like meat, so I just put it in the oven for like 350 degrees.
So had been in the oven.
Lisa: the whole time. We were at church
James: like three hours. And you're thinking the longer you cook it, the more tender it gets.
Lisa: back to southern cooking. We don't do, we don't
James: processed meats.
Lisa: we don't. We actually cook real meat that comes raw and so I didn't know this about it. And it was hockey
James: pie. It was like little charcoal pieces [00:29:00] of, I don't know.
Lisa: No. Yeah.
James: I tried to eat it, but this is what you do, so,
Lisa: what I do. Okay.
James: Yeah. So, you know, this type of humor actually allows us to grow and not taking ourselves so seriously. Right? Right. if we're honest, sometimes being the butt of the joke can make us feel silly, but really the value of laughter is is greater than the momentary embarrassment. Okay. So we gotta talk about the flip side when humor doesn't work.
Lisa: Well, I will say that, part of our mastering humor is we've actually learned from mistakes of when it actually doesn't work. And we've had plenty of those moments, right? So like with one of you is upset and the other tries to crack a joke too soon. Right? It's, it, it's just not a good timing.
There have been stories in the season with my mom that are just too soon to make fun of, right, or to bring up as, uh, to lighten. It doesn't actually bring levity, it just brings pain, and it's knowing the difference. it could be too soon, because it's a tender moment and it sometimes you don't, might not even know that I'm in one of those tender moments, and I may say something like.
too soon. Right. Or if we're in [00:30:00] mixed company. Some of the stories that we find funny with my mom and it brought a lot of humor to us aren't, appropriate for mixed company. Right. 'cause I don't wanna do anything to dishonor her.
James: Right. So tone and timing matter because you may be down and, you know, feeling a little blue.
Mm-hmm. And it's not the time for me to crack a joke, my intention may be to try to lift your spirit, but It's the tone and timing of that matters, right? Timing is crucial in joking within the relationship because it directly impacts how a joke is received.
You know, impacting the level of intimacy, connection, overall mood, making it crucial to gauge the right moment to deliver humor, and avoid misunderstandings or negative reactions. And the right tone and timing creates connection. Wrong tone and timing creates disconnection, and that's really important to understand.
So here are a few things to keep in mind. And some homework ideas to discuss in non-heated times. what feels right to the two of you? Yeah. So if your spouse is hurt or frustrated, they don't need a joke. First, they need empathy.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.[00:31:00]
James: Mm-hmm. But once the moment is right, humor can bring perspective and healing, So knowing your spouse will let you know if a joke is for later that day or weeks later. Right.
Lisa: And you know what the, the truth is, if there is a time that either one of us are trying to bring humor in a tense moment or a sensitive moment, I do believe that we do give grace to one another to understand that our intent in that moment is to bring levity.
And so When we do it wrong, don't increase the tension by being mad. Mm-hmm. I may say something like, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but this is the wrong time, and then it ends there. It doesn't have to become a big argument. It's, it's realizing the heart and intention behind it.
But we try to give each other permission or a hint that it's okay to make the first stab at a joke and timing them, uh, knowing when it's okay to bring it back up. this is what I do. You know, that sta I mean, we could, that came back really quick, right? Um, because it was just over cooking and we knew we were in a lighthearted
James: I can say, I'm gonna go, hang some shelving.
Lisa: That's right. Right. So perfecting the art of tone can make your [00:32:00] spouse laugh or it can make them feel really small. when we talk about the art of espousing, this really is an art to be able to grow into this, Knowing if your tone is belittling about, this is what you always do, James, when you make something right, is you destroy it, right? There's nothing about that that's funny. That is just me cutting down at you. or you talking to me about computers is like, you're always screwing up computers, Lisa, that's not funny.
so the tone and what you say and the words you choose are just as important as the timing.
James: So let's get practical. How do we actually bring more laughter into our marriage? I give you a few things to think about.
First of all, find the funny, It's always good to point out life's absurdities and laugh together. Whether that's something you see, we love doing, people watching, and sometimes we'll see some absurdities and we'll just laugh about it. Or, something. Funny happens between us and we'll point it out as funny. Second thing, and we've been talking about callbacks, but revisit fun memories, tell stories, rewatch old comedy shows together, watch some funny [00:33:00] videos.
But, callbacks are a great way to revisit memories. Love it. maybe create some fun traditions. some people do goofy dance offs.
Lisa: I know of a couple right now that would totally do that and think that's the funnest
James: yeah, we would never do that. Right, right.
Lisa: that doesn't mean it's not funny to someone
James: Right. or maybe you could have a bad joke of the day, contest and, do some things intentionally.
Mm-hmm. So it becomes more natural. Right. Sometimes, things aren't organic. They have to be programmed to for them to become organic practice, create some habits, right. and then a fourth thing is use fun activities that will cause laughter. we love playing games sometimes, and like a lot of times if we'll find a new game, I forget what the goat.
Lisa: something Goat, cats pizza kitchen.
It's a
James: gorilla type thing, and you know, pulling out a stupid game that, or Boulder Dash or something like that, that, you know, fishbowl, fishbowl, those type things are always fun things that create, laughter naturally. maybe it is watching a clean comedian together that you can laugh at.
but doing some things that are gonna create
Lisa: laughter. Love it. And if you're wondering what makes people laugh, [00:34:00] here's a few things that work. 'cause I, I feel like I know what makes people laugh. I know what makes me laugh.
James: What makes you laugh?
Lisa: That's, that's right. Is first surprise. Right? You know, um, the unexpected is always funny. This is why you see on Instagram, people scaring people or things like this,
James: It's always funny. The other people not the person being
Lisa: I know, and I have, scared some people that I would never do it again 'cause they don't find it funny.
And I'm like, that's off limits. for example, it's an old one, but a good one is that like you're in the shower minding your own business and I just go get a really cold cup of water and throw it on you. And surprise, surprise,
James: ha ha ha. Really funny.
Lisa: and James always confounded Lisa. that's what your go-to phrase is when, but yeah.
You're a good sport. Exaggeration over the top reactions that make things hilarious. This is what I do. You did it a little bit earlier. I didn't say it quite like that, but you exaggerated it and it, it makes it funnier. You threw your hands up, you put a mat, you know, it was just,
James: son is actually really good at over-exaggerating, imitating us and
Lisa: [00:35:00] He is very, he's actually very funny and he never cracks a smile when he does it. So this makes, I love his humor, but basically the overemphasis brings it to life and, um, just makes it, it really communicates, I'm over exaggerating this. This is a funny moment, right? It's not at my expense. hilarious mishap.
A vacation gone wrong, for example, those. Yeah. So we, we have, um, a DIY disaster. You've, you've experienced that and a cooking experience that turned into a running joke. Like, this is what I do. any kind of mishap, those are great things to, laugh at. and then a classic, spouse mix up, calling something the wrong name.
Um, getting a wrong, Part of history into another part of history that doesn't actually go together, which I just set you
James: you up. Well, this is a good example of knowing timing and tone because I, I can't tell this story all the time I almost have to get permission to tell you just gave me, so we were
Lisa: gave me permission the
James: time we went to Europe.
We
Lisa: but just so you know, this is a bit embarrassing to me, precursor to this story, so, right.
I just feel like, so it is, I'm at the [00:36:00] expense of
James: This is a spouse mix up, you know, uh, we went to London and we had the opportunity to go see Les Mis. In the theater. Yeah, it was awesome. It was incredible. the set that up, we had watched the movie with Liam Neeson in it prior to going and then we had also, watched Schindler's List that had Liam Neeson.
You maybe see where this is going. So at the end of Les Miz, I go, that was amazingly, didn't you enjoy that? And you're like, yeah, it was okay. I'm like, it was okay. You, you are like, yeah, it didn't end right. I'm like, what do you mean it didn't end right? It's late Mis. Yeah, it ended different than the movie.
I'm like, well, yeah, there was this theater and like, you can do things in the movie. You're like, what do you mean it ended differently? She goes, well, where were all the Jewish people? And I'm like,
Lisa: wrong story,
James: wrong war, wrong movie, wrong story.
Lisa: The sad thing is we were with our friends, um, pastor Todd and Julie, so I didn't just say this in front of you and could keep
James: it said to everybody,
Lisa: I said to everybody, I said it to all. So it is like, but you know what? It is, [00:37:00] it's a, classic spouse mixup. Right. And the only thing is, is it just really shows the lack of culture that I have. And, and my, I actually did all through high school cheat in history and so this, this shows, this shows that it confession's
James: confession's. Good for the soul, Lisa. We have, we have good friends that are like our kids' grandparents, and he actually mixes up every
Lisa: word. Yes.
James: And so
Lisa: the best one. We know it.
James: Yeah. Anal retentive. Instead of he said anal retentive. He says anal repulsive.
Lisa: So now we just say anal repulsive. Okay. We're, we're getting off
James: Exactly. So classic spouse, mixups are, are we going? Okay, so here's the takeaway. Laughter is a gift, so you need to use it wisely and it will strengthen your connection.
Help you navigate tough moments and make marriage a whole lot more fun. Yeah. And so don't be so sensitive, Learn to laugh at life situations and laugh at yourself. not taking life in yourself. So
Lisa: Yeah.
James: but do talk about what may be too soon.
Also, be sure not to gaslight using aggressive humor. and then say, [00:38:00] gosh, I was just joking. That's, yeah. It's not funny.
Lisa: That's right. So you said don't be so sensitive, but I'm gonna say. Be sensitive. You know, we need to be sensitive with our spouse and know their areas of insecurity, so that we don't poke fun at those things. So Don't take yourself so serious.
Don't be so sensitive. But I would like to say as a person who's delivering a joke, the spouse who's given a joke is you do need to be sensitive, right?
Know when you're trying to make a point and then actually be aware of the insecurities of your spouse, right? And have communication around what you know is really off limits, right? We definitely have some things that are off limits that just aren't funny and you need to understand and have communication around that. And we would love to hear from you. What's a funny inside joke or hilarious moment that you've had in your marriage? Send us a message or tag us on social media. We'd love to hear it.
James: If you found this content helpful, you can help us by sharing this episode with friends and family. You may even be so inclined to leave us a review, which we would absolutely love. And don't forget to follow us on Instagram at our espousing. And if you haven't signed up yet for the [00:39:00] weekly practice, text AOS to 6 6 8 6 6.
Lisa: Thanks for joining us today. Until next time. Bye-bye.