James: Hey friends, welcome back to The Art of Spousing. Elise and I are so glad you're with us today. If this is your first time listening, welcome to the conversation. This is where we get real about marriage, about faith, and the crazy beautiful ways that they intersect.
Lisa: we know communication is a foundational skill that crosses into nearly every single Aspect of marriage
we're diving into something that has helped us in our own communication allowing us to actually verbally communicate together better grow and understanding of each other and Drumroll, please stop having the same frustrating conversations over and over again
James: that's right. We're talking about a tool called The Five Voices. This is a framework that helps you understand your unique communication style and how it interacts with your spouses. It's like finally getting that user manual for your marriage communication that you wish you got when you first got married.
Lisa: Exactly. And if you're thinking, great, another personality test to tell me what's wrong with me, don't worry. This isn't about labeling each other. Honestly, it's a great tool to create common language around How we personally communicate and how that style of communication blends or sometimes collides with the style of our spouse.
We're all about tools and constructs that aid in us discovering how God designed each of us to communicate and how to develop stronger skills so we can have a more connected marriage, life and journey.
James: Before we get into today's topic, I want to make sure, you know, about the weekly practice every Monday, we send out an email with a short thought and a practice that you and your spouse can implement during the week we also give updates on new podcast episodes and upcoming events and promotions, you can sign up for the weekly practice by texting the letters AOS to the number six, six, eight, six, six, again, Text the letters AOS to 66866.
You'll be prompted for your email address. And next Monday you'll receive your first installment of the weekly practice.
That's right. Because language actually matters, and sometimes we put context to words, and they don't necessarily line up with maybe what.
Lisa: Exactly.
That's the same with Enneagram. When we talk about that, there's words that kind of go, Oh, that is, Oh, it means something totally different. So stay with us. We all have a primary voice, our go to way of thinking and communicating. So one of those five Everyone listening, you're one of those five primary voice.
Each voice has its own set of values and its own volume and a defined nuclear button. That's what I like to call it. Allowing us to know what may strike a nerve. Wouldn't you just like to know and understand what strikes my nerve, James? So you wouldn't be hitting that button.
James: Yeah, that would be really
Lisa: really great.
And I, the same for you. We actually possess and speak all five voices. Some voices come more natural to us, they're more dominant, while other voices require us effort to use them effectively. They're a little bit harder for us. Understanding your primary voice is where we'll start today, but there are layers of this tool that are so rich.
And we'll continue to work through them and unpack them throughout this season of Artist Spousing, so look for that. But basically, it's a simple tool on the front end that offers a lot of layers of growth and understanding as we learn more about five voices.
James: Yeah, it's important to understand you don't need to speak all five voices fluently, but understanding the five voices allows you to have empathy and understanding specifically to your spouse.
So it can feel like you're maybe sometimes speaking two different languages. But when you know what your spouse is speaking in their, their voice, then it helps bring understanding. And while it's a game
Lisa: It's actually really hopeful. Okay. Let's briefly go through each of the voices, each of the five and talk about their strengths and some of their challenges. And as I mentioned, each voice speaks at a different volume and intensity. So we'll highlight that, which can impact how they are heard in a relationship.
I won't give away too much, but you're a stronger voice, James. No one's going to be shocked about this, but it impacts me differently than what you even think. So we'll learn about that. Knowing that the volume of your voice is a great indicator of how others may be hearing you, whether or not you mean it to be that particular volume or not.
So it's just, it's important to understand your primary voice, some good things, some bad things, and then the volume and intensity. We're going to unpack that.
James: So, let's start with the quietest of the five voices, the nurture voice, which is your voice, Lisa.
Lisa: right And so actually this is a good time to stop and talk about Jesus had the nurture.
He's a nurture
James: I think you're making that up. That's not necessarily
Lisa: It's the sweetest kindest
James: Yeah, but you, that whole thing about Jesus, I don't know if that's true. There's no science behind that. So actually nurturers do make up 43 percent of the population.
So it makes them the largest, population group and, that 43%, 70 percent of, nurturers are female, which actually makes a lot of sense because, moms tend to nurture their kids
Lisa: the brothers out there, 30 percent of you that nurtures, there's a lot of strength in
James: There's some really strong men who are nurturers as well.
Nurturers are deeply caring and always thinking about how decisions impact people, they create safe and warm environments, but they can struggle, with speaking up for their own needs. Nurturers often tend to speak softly and with great care, which means their voice is the quietest and can sometimes be drowned out by stronger voices.
Lisa: That's right. I think I use a lot more words, which probably dilutes what I'm trying to communicate do you think that goes in there, James? Yeah?
James: could be true. Yeah, that may not be a nurturer thing. That just may be you.
Lisa: Oh. Ha, On to the next. The next is the creative. Creatives make up 9 percent of the population and are visionaries who think outside the box and see possibilities others might miss.
I know someone listening is going, I know a creative right now. They bring fresh ideas but can sometimes struggle with communicating their thoughts clearly, their ideas clearly. This voice is quiet mostly because the first thing that comes out of their mouth is not clear.
And then they're quickly disregarded and feel unheard. Their voice is often quiet, but packed with depth. Their voice is often quiet, but packed with depth. Meaning they feel unheard unless given space to express themselves fully.
James: Yeah, that's true. Okay. Then there's the guardian voice, which is my voice and we guardians make up 30 percent of the population and we're practical structured and we love protecting what's proven to work.
We bring stability that can sometimes resist change and new ideas too quickly. Guardians, and I know this to be true, have this unique ability to be both absolutely right. And absolutely wrong at the same time all because of our tone and the
Lisa: It's a skill,
James: It is this can make discussions actually interesting to say the least our voice is firm and steady often carrying the weight of authority that others naturally defer to
Lisa: Right.
The next voice, the connector, makes up 11 percent of the population, and it's all about relationships. They thrive on networking, rallying people around a cause, and bringing energy to a room.
Their challenge is that they sometimes prioritize relationships over a necessary confrontation. This voice is enthusiastic, energetic, persuasive, and easily rallies others to their vision.
James: That's right. And then finally, there's the pioneer voice and pioneers actually make up 7 percent of the population.
It's the smallest population group, but very known, noticeable and make a big impact in the world Pioneers are big picture thinkers who love strategy, and they are action oriented. They drive things forward, but sometimes can be too focused on results rather than people, and their voice is strong, direct, and confident, which makes it the loudest and sometimes overwhelming to softer voices.
Lisa: Got it. James, on the fly, can you say in the order, which is the softest to the loudest? Yes.
James: Nurtures, creatives, guardians, connectors, pioneers.
Lisa: That's right.
James: order you gave
Lisa: So I was just listening out making sure it's crystal clear because 42 percent of the people listening right now have my voice and appreciate that.
I just made that
James: they like you so much.
Lisa: right. We want to ask you to consider scheduling a two day marriage reboot with Lisa and I..
Yeah, the Marriage Reboot is an exclusive one on one experience that will supercharge your marriage. you will discover your marriage purpose and get a real plan to start living into it. The process is designed to give you clarity in every aspect of your marriage. work together to craft plans for multiple domains of life and create a solid framework that will help you manage and continually renew your relationship for the future.
James: This is a private experience where you and your spouse will have our undivided attention as your marriage coaches will help you identify where you've been, define where you are now and discover where you want to go together in the future. We know the marriage reboot will make a huge difference in your marriage.
Lisa: Totally. You can find out more about it at artistspousing. com backslash marriage coaching. You can also message us on Instagram and we'll send you a link so you can schedule a 30 minute call with James and I to hear more about the experience and understand how it would be great for you guys.
Okay, so why does it even matter knowing your voice? Your voice shapes all your communication, how you express love, the language around how you handle conflict, how you process decision making and the explanation of that decision. It even shapes how you hear your spouse.
James: You know, Lisa, when we got married, we actually had no clue that we were actually hearing each other through Um, and if we would have had this language or this tool to understand it, it would help us, cause I always saw you as, overanalyzing things, slowing things down. And you probably saw me as, charging ahead, not thinking about things
Lisa: yeah, that's exactly right. I actually thought that you couldn't have thought through things as clearly to make a decision, but actually, You had. Yeah. Yeah. So.
James: but I did move pretty fast, but once we realized that I led with a guardian voice and, you led with a nurture voice, it all made much more sense because I'm naturally focused on structure and protecting what works and you are always thinking about people first, analyzing, making sure decisions are going to impact the outcome us our kids our friends and family.
Lisa: How we're going to communicate that, all the,
James: So we weren't actually disagreeing as much as we thought. We just had different filters, different starting points. And sometimes those different starting points can lead to tension, especially when making big decisions without fully processing them together.
Lisa: as I look back, I can see how our unique voices played out in our parenting, whether it was a decision on how we were going to approach something, and then the actual execution of it, this in our ministry life, once we worked together and communicating with extended family, it actually impacted it all.
James: That's was actually highlighted for us, in our relationship through a situation that happened in a major career transition that I actually initiated several years ago, for a long season, my time in vocational church work, I led the entire creative departments for the church that included worship, production, films, marketing, communications, is around 2016, I think if I'm right, that I strongly felt that I needed to step out of leading those departments and move into a vacancy in another critical area in the church.
So, Lisa, you and I talked about it with each other, but I don't know that I fully processed the decision with you, and I just charged ahead.
Lisa: Yeah, and because of that, my nurturer voice felt completely unheard. I thrive on relationships and had developed deep relational equity with the teams that you were leading because in ministry is pastor and wife, you know, I come alongside. And so all of those relationships were very important to me when you made that transition, it was hard on me because it felt like all those relationships that I had invested in were suddenly shifted without any real decision about how that would affect me.
And really, honestly, the transition. That was happened. No discussion was ever made and how to actually keep those relationships intact. It was really Dreadful.
James: Yeah. In hindsight, I can see how my guardian voice actually kicked in. So I saw a need. made a logical decision. And took action, but I just didn't recognize how much the decision impacted you on the relational level.
It actually caused a lot of tension between us for a long time, just kind of working through that. You know, because I didn't consider the emotional weight you carried in those relationships.
Lisa: Right. So we had to work through it, and I had to express why it was hard for me. But the biggest learning for both of us was recognizing how my nurturer voice needed to be valued in our decision making process.
You learned to slow down and include me in a way that didn't just check the box, but truly honored my perspective.
James: Yeah, and that experience helped me become much more aware of how my decision impacted you. and it wasn't just about the decision itself, really. It was about making sure that you felt heard, valued, and included in the process.
Lisa: the decision wouldn't have been any different. I would have been in and wouldn't have been able to shape how it flowed out.
So once we realized that we could slow down and actually listen, like really listen to what each other was saying instead of assuming they were just being difficult.
James: Yeah. So, you know, there are some voice combinations that naturally compliment each other. that creates synergy while others require a bit more intentionality to avoid frustration. And then there's some that actually, well, can be feeling more like a constant battle.
Lisa: A big part of understanding these dynamics is recognizing what is called the nemesis voice. This is the voice that tends to challenge your own the most in our situation. We aren't each other's nemesis voice, but there could be a marriage out there that one or the other.
Are that irritating voice. That's what I called it. Nemesis was just kind of irritating. It kind of triggers you. But it's important to know it helps you hear things differently and approach it in a more educated way when we understand what those nemesis voices are.
When you don't understand,
It can create real struggles, but when you do, it can actually strengthen your marriage because you know where each other's coming from and actually almost brace for impact
James: Yeah,
Lisa: they're the nemesis voice. Yeah.
James: so maybe what I'll do is I'll walk through and give each one of the nemesis voices and a little bit about, so we'll start with your voice and nurture voice, the nurturer's nemesis is actually.
The pioneer, right, which makes sense nurtures lead with empathy and relationship while pioneers are all about strategy and results, people over, programs or processes for the nurturers. This can make a nurturer feel overlooked or dismissed when a pioneer moves forward without considering the emotional impact or the relational impact
Lisa: Yeah, this helps me at work when I know I'm encountering a pioneer. I literally embrace, how I'm going to approach them and how I'm going to hear them. So if there's a nurturer out there and your spouse is a pioneer, you can actually shape how you hear things.
James: you hear things. Right, And then the creative nemesis voice is actually the guardian voice. Creatives thrive on innovation and ideas as guardians focus on structure and proven methods.
You know, a guardian might see a creative's ideas as impractical, making the creative feel stifled. The guardian's nemesis again, is the creative, just like we said. So the guardian's value, stability and efficiency, but creatives push for change and disruption, and this can actually cause friction when a guardian sees a creative suggestions as risky or unnecessary.
Now, this is where it gets interesting because us poor guardians, we have two nemesis voices. The connector's nemesis is also the guardian voice.
Lisa: You're just basically as a guardian, you're irritating people.
James: I guess so. So connectors are driven by relationships and enthusiasm, and then the guardians prioritize, practicality and order.
So a guardian might see a connector as too impulsive, while a connector might feel the guardian is shutting down their ideas. And then finally, Pioneer's nemesis is the Nurturer, pioneers push forward very decisive without stopping to consider their relational impact.
And Nurturers, again, You know this, they're very empathetic, they prioritize how decisions are going to affect people, like in a marriage relationship, you're very concerned about how decisions are going to affect our kids, which can make them feel steamrolled by a pioneer, strong willed nature.
Lisa: Yeah. You can see how certain voice combinations create unique dynamics and that's a kind way of saying a lot of combustion. For example, two pioneers together, power couple energy, but also good luck. Agreeing on how to take over the world. That's true. Gosh, that's
James: then you got a guardian and a creative, you know, one might be saying, Hey, let's do something totally new and different. And while the guardian is probably saying like, or not.
Right,
Lisa: right, right.
I think where we experience our voices clashing the most is when we are working through a decision or a situation, especially with our kids. I alluded to this earlier. So James, you have the ability to disconnect emotion from decision making.
I do not. This has been something we've had to work on over the years, especially when it comes to parenting. This is why I wish we would have had this tool 30 years ago. It would have really helped us. You naturally focus on what makes the most logical sense in the situation, and that can sometimes make you seem cold.
Right. And, and or, yes, I'll just stick with the word cold. That's good.
I'm much more concerned about how decision will impact one of our kids than you are. It's not that you don't actually care. You absolutely do, but your guardian voice kicks in and you focus on doing the most logical thing or the right thing, regardless of the emotional fallout.
My nurturer voice, on the other hand, wants to make sure that everyone is okay emotionally, not just that the right decision is made. So the truth is, as we come in synergy, it really is great. Yeah,
James: And, you know, over time I've learned that sometimes doing the right thing logically doesn't mean it's the best thing relationally, right?
We've had to find that balance where I slow down and consider the emotional impact. And you give space for us to discuss the practical, logical side of things as well.
Lisa: All right, and let's be honest. Sometimes I see things you don't and sometimes you see things I don't and sometimes we have to remind each other how to slow down and really listen But the truth is one of the things that I love about our relationship is you you're what the decision usually Brace for it.
Please. This is recorded. 99. 99 percent of the time is right.
James: Oh, wait a minute. Say that one more time.
Lisa: What to do is 99. 999 percent of the time right, but the how is where the nurture, where I come in on, explaining decisions to the kids or explain a decision or how we're going to walk it out.
James: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's true. So the key is remember that we're on the same team, right? Even when we see things differently that we're in this together and we're pushing through together.
Lisa: right. So we don't want this to just be a fun personality breakdown. How do we actually use this to build unity in marriage?
James: Yeah, that's great. So first you actually got to know your voice, right? I mean, we gave a really quick overview of the voices and there's so much more depth to them, but you have to start with a foundation of what is your voice. If you don't know, where you're starting from, it's hard to get to where you want to go,
right. So we actually put a link in the show notes for you to take a free five voices assessment that you can go in. It's pretty quick and, give you at least a, a rundown of your foundational voice and your voice order. Everyone likes free 99. Free 99. That's right.
Lisa: And once you know your voice, practice honoring each other's strengths. Instead of getting frustrated, your spouse processes differently. Appreciate what they bring to the table.
James: that's good. Yeah, and it reminds me when you were saying that about Romans 12 that talks about the body of Christ having many parts and each with different gifts and actually I think this applies also to marriage, right?
We have different gifts that we bring to the marriage. So instead of seeing our differences as obstacles, we need to begin to celebrate them as strengths because God designed you both with unique voices to bring something valuable to your relationship. Your differences don't actually compete. They actually complement each other, right?
And when we recognize and appreciate the gifts that each of us brings, we create a marriage that thrives in unity and purpose.
Lisa: That's right. You'll also hear us referring to the voices more often on the podcast because we believe it's a great starting point for many of the tools we will share throughout the episodes. So jump over to the show notes and take your free assessment. Okay, friends, here's the challenge. Learn your voice, discover your spouse's voice and start using that knowledge to build a marriage filled with grace, understanding, and unity. You've heard us say this a thousand times.
A better me is a better we. Five Voices is an incredible tool for the both of you to become a better me.
James: So if this resonates with you, we'd love for you to share this with another couple. Not only will it help us get the word out about the podcast, but it will also enrich their lives. Follow follow us on Instagram and DM us and let us know your voice. After you take the assessment, we'd love to hear from you.
Lisa: We want to invite you to join our weekly practice email list to receive tools and helpful tips for your marriage every Monday. Text AOS
James: AOS
Lisa: to 66866. Now we're cheering you on and we'll see you next time on the Artist Spousing Podcast. Until then,
James: Bye. Bye